"You've brought me to the end of myself
This has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
Falling into You
I confess I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies screamed inside go silent
The moment You begin
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
Falling into You
You remind me
Of things forgotten
You unwind me
Until I'm totally undone
And with Your arms around me
Fear was no match for Your love
Now You've won me
And if I lived a thousand lifetimes
And wrote a song for every day
Still there would be no way to say
How You have loved me
Oh, how You love me
And that's how You've won me"
Letting Go - Steffany Gretzinger
I have this song on repeat these days. In fact the whole album sounds like she watched the last year of my life and then wrote a bunch of songs about it!
My Hallelujah was tired y'all. In fact, tired is an understatement. 2014 was brutal. I experienced loss and pain in ways I never could have expected. I shut down for a while and needed some help finding my way back out of the waters.
Praise God for his kindness and provision! I was introduced to a counselor that I absolutely love that walked with me through a lot of soul searching and digging deep. I'm a work in progress (aren't we all?) but The Lord has reminded me of so many things that I had forgotten.
In all of the digging I took a look at myself and saw all of my filth. I also saw all of the striving and performing that I have done to try to cover it up in hopes that God (and everyone else) somehow wouldn't notice that I wasn't worthy of love. I saw the shame that held me in captivity and the lies that the enemy used as shackles. Shame that told me that I was wrong and that I was the problem. Lies that said that I needed to work harder and be better in order to have any hope at all. Lies that told me that if the people around me didn't have it perfectly together too then they were holding me back. As if anyone ever really has it together. Whatever that means.
The other day I was talking to a sweet new friend and she reminded me of Ephesians 2. That all of us were dead in our transgressions. That there is nothing any of us can do to be made right with God. "4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved." "8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- 9 not by works, so that no one can boast."
Because of his great love for us...
I'm learning that I am worthy of love. Not because I'm perfect. Not because I work so hard and I'm always so sweet, and I never do anything wrong. I'm worthy of Love because My Father says so. Praise you Lord!
Even when we were dead in transgressions...
All of us. Dead because of our filth. Even then he loved us and chose to save us.
This is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God...
I can't perform my way into being saved or being loved. It isn't from me. It's from Him. Amen!
Oh the freedom I could have if I chose to operate in this truth every single day! To extend compassion, grace, and love to myself when I mess up because I know that is what Jesus does. To do the same for the people around me.
I love the rest of the song. I do still get scared sometimes, but his perfect love silences the lies when I allow it to. Fear is no match for His love.
As I return to Uganda I pray that The Lord would continue to show me this truth and teach me to live in it. I pray that I would be used to tell others of this truth as well. I pray that this season I have come out of would become part of the story of how God is using me.
Lord there is no way to say how you have loved me. Thank you.
