I wasn't honest with myself about it for a while. I just know I woke up one day and realized that all of these little individual things that had gone wrong and made me unhappy were part of a much larger problem.
I realized I had lost my joy. Joy and happiness are not the same thing. Joy sustains. Happiness is fleeting and deceiving. I knew this. I've known this for years. I'm a missionary! I'm supposed to know this and never ever forget it. Heaven forbid people find out I'm not perfect because I admit I lost my joy.
James 1:2-4 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (ESV)
This is practically the missionary anthem.
Count it pure joy when nothing works the way it is supposed to because, TIA.
Count it pure joy when you can't get anything done due to language barriers.
Count it pure joy when you lose an entire weeks worth of work because of rain.
Count it pure joy when the people God sent you to turn their backs on you and accuse you of things you know nothing about.
Count it pure joy when all of your friends move away.
Count it pure joy when you are the friend leaving unexpectedly without a proper goodbye.
At some point our joy gets lost in all the hard if we forget where that joy comes from or neglect The One that gives it freely.
For me, it was a lack of Gods living and active word in my life.
I wasn't in the word to be reminded that, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." (James 1:5-6 ESV)
I wasn't in the word to be reminded that even Paul had a thorn in his flesh. Or to understand that God chose not to remove that thorn but to give his sufficient grace instead. Oh if I had stopped to take that in. His grace is enough. It's something I say a lot. I know this truth. But the temptation to believe the lie that God's grace was for someone else grew too strong when I wasn't in the word to read the truth. (2 Corinthians 12)
Not only did I lose the ability to accept the grace extended to me freely, but eventually I started forgetting how we received that grace altogether.
"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:1-10 ESV)
What a thing to forget. It's devastating what a lack of truth in our lives can do. We rob ourselves of our joy when we disconnect ourselves from The One who loves us with a fierce love. The One that supplies and sustains our joy.
Praise God for his relentless love and pursuance of our hearts.
I was in a really dark place y'all. I believe that God used me despite myself in this time, but I know I missed out on so much. I know I don't have to share this story. Some might even say I shouldn't have. But I believe that God can and will use it for His glory. That's worth the risk for me.
I returned to the word. I returned to The One who holds my joy, and I found it in nail pierced hands waiting to receive me with love, mercy, and grace.
Return today friend. He is waiting for you with those same hands.
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