Home

I'm back in the USA now. Most people know I've actually been home since last Wednesday. I just haven't had the energy to write another post. I went into this trip knowing that coming home would be hard. I knew that I wouldn't want to leave. I knew that my heart would be broken all over again for these people and for what God is doing in Uganda. I knew that the piece of my heart that I left in Uganda last year still wasn't coming home with me. What I didn't anticipate was that I would leave yet another piece of my heart there this time.  I didn't realize that being there so long would be such an affirmation of my heart for this place. I didn't know that going a second time would open my eyes to things that I didn't see the first time and open my heart to it as well. On the plane home I kept asking myself, and God, why this is so hard. How can my heart be completely broken and longing to stay in Uganda, while missing my family and friends at home at the same time? How, after a total of only 2 months in Uganda, can it feel like home to me? And if Uganda feels like home then why does home feel like home too? That thought was the one that broke me. Uganda feels like home, but the States feel like home too. I don't know what is worse, feeling like I'm living in two different worlds at the same time, or not knowing which world is the one I'm supposed to be in right now. I know that God has called me to Uganda in some way but I also know that right now I'm home in the states. Last year it was easier, I had to finish school and I had Rise.  This year it's so much harder. I'm done with school, I don't have a job, and Rise will be over for me on August 7th. That leaves me with the question of what is next. Society says that I am supposed to begin a career of some sort. I am supposed to be searching for a job that will lead to something and provide benefits and a future for me. Everything about what I just described screams complacency to me and is absolutely 1,000% repulsive.
When I was younger I had everything planned out. I would go to college and get my degree, then open a dance studio and teach dance for the rest of my life. Somewhere between college and my mid 20's I would fall in love and get married. We would have babies, live in the suburbs, take nice vacations, and be like that for the rest of our lives. I never dreamed of living more than an hour away from my mom. I certainly never wanted to live in a different state, much less a different continent. In church when we would talk about missionaries my immediate thought was always "I love God and I want others to love God, but who would ever want to do that? Missionaries are weird and boring and don't know how to dress." Life was supposed to be a certain way and I didn't plan on ever really rocking the boat.
Obviously something changed, and I can promise you it wasn't me. God began working on my heart my first year of college. He began to make me think about other places and other people by putting adoption and the clean water issue in front of me every time I turned around. The thought of adoption came easier to me than the thought of dropping everything for a short term mission trip, much less being a "missionary." Adoption was sweet and appealing and on my terms and in my time table. I let myself become open to the thought of adoption and God calling me to it, and without my consent it became engraved in my heart. Scripture is very clear on the heart of our father towards orphans and widows and it didn't take much convincing for my heart to agree with the fathers on that issue. What I hadn't thought much about before was the fact that adoption wasn't the only way to care for widows and orphans and those in need. When my heart became one with the Fathers on the issue of adoption I frequently wondered why God would put it on my heart so strongly when I didn't have a husband yet and couldn't do anything about it. I would read something about orphans, or hear a sermon on "the least of these", or read a blog about an international adoption and immediately think "God why are you doing this to me? You know my heart is for adoption and you know that I don't have a husband yet and this is killing me!" I wouldn't really allow the thought that maybe God was trying to get my attention for another reason. Without going into too much detail, God got my attention. Definitely isn't how I would have done it but I have to say it worked. It's funny how when your life turns upside down and you don't have a choice but to completely rely on the spirit and listen and wait for Gods voice, you hear Him. I would love to say that it was as clear as a bell, that I heard God's voice without a doubt in the world say "Go to Uganda with Ichooseyou this summer" but that isn't exactly how it happened. One day in the midst of my world crashing down around me I felt like God wanted more from me than the usual work at the studio during the summer. I had friends that were going on international mission trips and it had never really made me want to do the same, but something told me I needed to. When Becky asked me if I was interested in going with Ichooseyou to Uganda that summer the word "yes" came out of my mouth involuntarily. The next thing I knew I had already asked off of work for the two weeks and talked to my parents about it. I gave Becky a final yes and had somehow committed to a two week trip to Uganda. I prayed a lot in the days to come. I began to feel like maybe I had rushed into this and not prayed or thought through it enough. I began to pray that if this was what God wanted from me the money would be there and if it wasn't it wouldn't. Long story short the money was there. It only really took a couple weeks from the time I sent the support letters for all of the money to be there. I was going. Uganda was where God wanted me for those two weeks. (The money story really is amazing. If you look back far enough on here it's in there somewhere.) If I had known then that those two weeks would change my life completely and change it forever I may not have gone. I didn't want change. Not like this. I didn't want to have my heart in two different places. I didn't want to be sitting here saying that I have two homes and I can't be in both at the same time. I had a plan and if I had known that the first trip was going to shatter that plan I probably wouldn't have done it. I'm so glad I did. Yes, it hurts to have my heart in two places at once and not know what the future holds. Maybe it is crazy that I would want to live in Uganda, even for just a short amount of time. But what is worse than all of that is living a comfortable, complacent life, just because that is what I am "supposed" to do. I can't imagine anything worse than ignoring God's call. Sure I had hoped Gods call would involve living in the states, but for now it seems He has a different plan.
So now I am in the middle. I know God is calling and I am trying to figure out what He wants and when He wants it. I'm trying not to mistake my emotions for God's will in my life. I'm facing opposition and trials from places I never thought I would, and trying to understand if it is the enemy or God putting on the brakes. One thing is for sure, that God has a plan for my life and I want to be in the middle of His will, whatever that looks like. So I will deal with the emotions from the fact that I have two homes that are very far apart. I will pray, and cry, and trust that He knows far better than I. When I hear his voice, no matter what it says, I will follow.

I have had a lot of people ask what they can do and how they can pray. Go to www.ichooseyou.net and take a look around. Consider sponsoring a child (or two, or five, or ten!) or giving a one time donation. We have 47 wonderful children right now but Namatala is a very big place with a very big need. We need more sponsors to be able to keep bringing hope to these families. As always, please pray for God's will to be made very clear to me. Also pray that no matter what it is, my heart and the hearts of my loved ones would be willing and obedient.

Thank you so much for praying with me and taking this crazy journey with me. I promise I will try to update about the last few days of my trip soon. Stay Tuned!