The first time I noticed it I had a decision to make. Do I let her call me mommy? For a while I fought it and would say, "What is my name? My name is Callie!" to try to encourage her to keep calling me Callie.
On my birthday she was really sick. She wouldn't let me put her down at all. When she finally did lay down it was under the condition that I would be next to her and touching her. When I thought she was finally fully asleep I decided to get up and try to shower. I was wrong. She immediately started crying, saying "mommy!", and reaching for me. She stopped crying as soon as I was back at her side rubbing her back. That was when I gave up fighting it.
At that moment I was the only one around to take care of her. I was the one comforting her while she was in pain. I was the one worrying about her. I was the one by her side praying for relief from her sickness.
This morning, a woman that helps us around the house said, "It is good to be a mama. I know that you are a mama to Ana. You are loving her and caring for her like a mama does." I was talking to a friend today and she said, "A mama is someone who protects and cares for you...seems like that is you."
Right now it is.
The thing is that even though she can't say it, Ana knows she has a lot of mommies. She has her biological mother who for some reason or another won't take care of her right now. She has Annette, the neighbor that graciously took her and her sister in and loves them so well. She has me. Someone who was placed in her life for an amount of time that only God knows, and refuses to give less than her whole heart.
If God allows me to become her mommy forever I will be the happiest woman in the world. But if this is temporary, if I am here to be mommy for a season, she is worth the heart break.
Ana is happy and healthy. She is growing, learning, loving, playing, and thriving! Is this confusing for her? Maybe. Is it wrong to be loved so well by so many people? I don't think so.
I'm not walking away from these babies. Even if it turns out that it isn't possible for us to be a forever family, we will still be family. They are stuck with me now!
So she calls me mommy. With so much joy, fear, trembling, and prayer... I'm letting her.
