Baby!!!

Last night when I wrote November 20th I was only counting on today being hard because of the should have beens. I wasn't expecting to wake up to news that one of my very best Ugandan friends had her baby!!!

I am bursting with happiness and pain all at once right now guys. I don't even know what to do with myself! 

Look at that precious face!!! 

I have no idea if it's a boy or a girl. She told me she was having a girl, but my (amazing) friends that got the call that the baby was here told me she said it was a boy. I'm not even going to pay attention to the pink the baby is wearing. This is Uganda. That means nothing. Regardless, I am so unbelievably happy for this mama and her family!!! 

I want to be there so badly. I want to hug my sweet friend and look her in the eyes and tell her, "Well done!" She made it. The baby is here now. And beautiful! So beautiful. 

I want to hold that baby and tell him or her that they have a mama that loves them with a fierce love and an Auntie Callie that will kiss their face off every day from here on out. EVERY DAY. (So many kisses kid. Get ready!) 

I'm feeling all the feels today. Give me grace if you see me and I look like a crazy woman. I don't know what to do with myself right now. Jesus give me peace and calm. Let this time until I return to Uganda go quickly, but be spent well with the ones I love. 

November 20th

It's here. November 20th is tomorrow and nothing is as it should have been.

By now I'm sure you know that my teammates and I were brought home from Uganda early by our ministry due to fear of a terrorist group that was in the capital city. I've written about coming home a little bit. It's strange, when I first got home I was numb, but I had faith. Strong faith. Faith that my God who called me to this place I love, this place I had been abruptly taken out of, would carry me back. I was completely empty except for the knowledge of the promise that my God is who He says He is, and He says He is faithful. That was the only place I could land when I got home. Sitting in numbness but clinging to that faith with every ounce of my being. I couldn't be angry or sad. I couldn't get mad and have it out with God. That was too scary. I needed him to be faithful. I needed to still be in his good graces. I needed to cling to that faith in order to even be able to function.

I am so thankful that my first reaction wasn't to go off on God, but I have to admit that I had ulterior motives for my faith.

I wanted to go back to Uganda. I needed to be able to say "God is faithful! He will make a way!" because the alternative was hopelessness and fear. So I cried a little, but then told myself to cheer up, God is faithful.

Here it is. November 20th. If things had gone to plan I would be sorting last minute details for my house, about to get in the van to drive to the airport. I would be crying. A lot. But I would be saying "I'll see you soon!" with every tear filled goodbye. This goodbye would have been planned. I would have been prepared. The loose ends would have been mostly tied up and I would have gotten the closure I needed. Instead I'm here in Texas, wondering if the people I left without saying goodbye will ever forgive me.

It's funny that this is the week I would have been saying goodbye. This is also the week I finally broke down. The past few weeks have been building up to this. I knew it was coming. I tried to put it away again, but my loving father told me no this time.

Last week I wrote a blog about how I got a plane ticket. (If you haven't read it you need to! It's a great story of the church stepping up to be what God created it to be.) Getting a plane ticket was amazing, wonderful, perfect, and all of the other warm fuzzy words you can think of. Best. Day. Ever! It also was the day I unclenched my fists just enough for the flood to be released. That grip I had on faith could be loosened a bit because I was going back. That facade of strength that I put on wasn't needed anymore. I bought a ticket.

The three of us that were evacuated early were asked to see a counselor at the church when we returned. I love counseling. I think it is good and important and everyone should do it. It is hard to make the first move, but it is so worth it. So I have been seeing a counselor. My tight grip on faith caused us to take a detour for a while. We talked about and worked through a lot of personal areas without getting very far into the whole evacuation thing. I was good as far as that went. Until this week. Tuesday November 18th, the day I most likely would have been saying a lot of sad goodbyes had things gone to plan, was the day the grief hit me.

I was sitting there with my counselor and all of the sudden the tears and the words were pouring out of me. The implications of that day hit me like a freight train all over again. I was hearing an angry voice coming out of me as I told her about things I thought I had let go of a long time ago. I was mad. I was hurt. I was confused. I was worried. I was tired... So tired.

Those tears I had put away have resurfaced. I'm a mess. Every minute carries a new emotion, another fear.

I still have faith. I still believe that God is who He says He is, and He says He is faithful. I just know now that I can believe all of that and be angry about the way things happened at the same time. God will still be good. He will still call me His child even if I have to question him and wrestle with this.

I like to tell people, "Be who you need to be, God can handle your mess."

I'm finally taking my own advice.

November 20th probably won't be pretty this year. I'm alright with that. My emotions will be all over the place. I'll be celebrating my plane ticket and the arrival of Natalie, as well as mourning the way things should have been.

God is still good. He is still faithful, and not just because I have a plane ticket. I do not understand why things happened the way they did and I probably never will, but today I'm going to let my mess show and let my father handle it.

The story behind the plane ticket!

I posted a couple days ago that I bought a plane ticket (Hallelujah, praise Jesus!!!) but I haven't had any time to sit down and blog about how I ended up buying the plane ticket when I did. 

My parents have always been very supportive of the three of us kids and our independence. They know we love the Lord and allow us to choose where we worship from. Recently I began attending a new church. The choice to attend a different church was made for various reasons but I assure you it has nothing to do with me not loving Hays Hills. Hays Hills is my home church. My heart is there. Those people helped raise me! I met Jesus, fell in love with Jesus, and was encouraged and supported to follow Jesus to the ends of the earth from Hays Hills. I love that church! 

The new church I have been attending has a fairly large group of young singles, and I attend a small group with them. It has been really cool getting to know each other since everyone is fairly new to the area. We are all learning how to do missional community together and it has been a lot of fun. 

Tuesday night we were talking about the description of the church in Acts 2:42-47 and how to live that out. Afterwards we had a time of prayer. Since it was a smaller group and there were a lot of people I feel comfortable with, I had the courage to tell the group that the past few weeks have been really hard for me. I miss my people in Uganda and the uncertainty of exactly when I was going to return was making it harder. They prayed for me and encouraged me and we left. That simple act of prayer and their encouraging words gave me the courage to look up flights that night after I got home and I found an awesome deal. 

The flight was a bargain but it only had 4 seats left. I had about half of what I needed to pay for the ticket but knew that if I didn't raise the money for the rest soon I was going to lose that option. At about 11pm Tuesday I sent a text to four of the girls I'm closest to in the group and asked them to pray for the situation. I believe in the power of prayer and I wanted these people praying with me for this! I never expected any of them to give any money at all. 

I just wanted these girls to be praying with me, but before I knew it they had decided I needed to buy the ticket before I lost the price. One of them sent me a text that said "Get the seat!!! I'll figure out a way to give/raise $500. I can put the whole thing on my card if u need me to....and u can get me the part u have when u can..."  

After I read that my heart stopped. I had no idea what to say. That offer felt far to generous, but as someone who relies on the generosity of others to do the work that I do, I know that you don't say no to generous offers! I just sat there for a while trying to figure out what the appropriate response was. Then one by one the other girls sent messages saying they would contribute with the amount they were giving. Before I could even say anything the money I lacked was spoken for! 

I have a plane ticket!!! I have a plane ticket that was purchased on the card of a woman that I've only known for about a month. These people showed me what the church should be. They loved me well and went above and beyond to meet a need that I had. I am in awe of what God does in his people. I'm in awe of what the love of Christ brings His church to do. I am so humbled and so grateful. 

I have experienced the church the way God intended it to be so many times since choosing to follow him to Uganda. People from my home church, Hays Hills have given so much over the years. My family has committed to sacrificial monthly giving. My friends have rallied around me in unbelievable ways. I'm in awe. I am so humbled. I am so undeserving. Thank you. Thank you so much!

I've said it before but I'll say it again- I don't like having to ask for money. It's hard and it definitely isn't fun. The selfless giving that I continue to receive from all of you does my heart good. This plane ticket and the way the Lord provided for it will always be in my book as one of the ways the Lord has proven his faithfulness to me. Thank you lord! And thank you church for being selfless and obedient.

I have a plane ticket!!!!! :-D 

 

P.S.

I'll be asking for more money in the coming weeks. Unfortunately. Part of the missionary life is living off of support. I am praying that God would put monthly giving on the hearts of the people I'll be talking to. It is a hope and prayer of mine to have a family of supporters that commit to giving monthly so that the next time I return home I don't have to start all over like I have these past few times. Would you be praying with me and for me? If the Lord lays it on your heart to give monthly I would be so grateful for your obedience. If not I will be just as thankful for your prayers!