Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:13-15 ESV)
It was Monday afternoon. I was with Jennifer, the Ugandan leader of Amina. Our kids were all playing together outside, we were trying to get work done between having to put the kittens back outside and talking about the various people and things that were sick and broken. We were making plans for the next 2 1/2 months. They needed to be firm plans. 2 1/2 months felt like a blink of the eye compared to everything there was left to do. We had a full schedule the next day and 2 1/2 months was finally starting to feel like just enough time. I don't know why I remembered on that particular day, but I finally gave her the gift she had been waiting for from me. She cried and I cried and we talked about how God made the body and community to be this thing that glorified him in the way they love and serve each other. I told her that she loves and serves so well. She thanked me for loving them. I told her it's only because of the love of Jesus. We cried and hugged some more. Our kids were suspiciously quiet and it was getting late so I told her I would see her the next day and reminded her of all the things to do before I got there. Then I left.
6pm Monday we were told the threat was too great and we would be leaving Uganda within the week. We were not allowed to talk about it with anyone until after we left.
7pm we were told it would probably be about 4 days before we left.
8pm power went out.
9pm we were told there was a change of plans and we had less than 12 hours to get packed and out of Mbale.
9:30pm internet and cell phone service went out.
Midnight we finally decided to try to go to a friends house to book our flight. It failed
3am I gave up trying to book flights.
5am it was finally booked by one of the dads.
8:30am we got in a van and left mbale with no return in sight and having said goodbye to only a couple close friends.
Looking back on Monday afternoon I can see countless blessings from The Lord. Little ways, and big ways, that he prepared my heart for what it couldn't see coming. I am forgetful. It has been almost a month since I decided to give her that gift but I kept forgetting. There is no reasoning to why I suddenly remembered and had it with me Monday. God just knew that would be the last time I saw her this year. Jennifer is also a very tough lady. Tears aren't something she shows easily. I was surprised by her tears that day and the outpouring of emotion and love from her. I will be grateful for that moment forever. God gave me the sweetest gift when he allowed us to tell each other how much we love, respect and value each other for seemingly no reason.
It hurts me so much to know that Tuesday she expected me and I wasn't there. I pray that someone has explained things to her by now and that she forgives me for leaving her with a task that must feel impossible to accomplish alone. I pray she reads my letter soon and believes me when I say that she can do this without me. She always could! Our time together was rich and full of learning and change for the good but she is capable of leading those ladies by herself because she serves a God that is all powerful. I pray that she is filled with motivation courage and determination instead of feelings of defeat. This is her moment to let her light shine and show everyone what The Lord can do through her. I'm praying for the strength for her to take it.
There are so many things left undone and unsaid. All three of us girls will grieve over these things in different ways for the weeks to come. This is not how any of us imagined leaving. This is not how any of us wanted it to end. I personally would do anything to go back and finish what I started. This is hard and painful. My heart is broken and my eyes hurt from crying so much.
But there are countless gifts from God that I can see now that were given to me in the week before we left. People that I saw that I hadn't seen in a long time. People that I spoke to on the phone. Things I was finally able to do and places that I visited for the first (and last) time in a while. God knew and he held my heart and gave it gifts long before it broke. He is still holding it even if I can't feel it and he will give me gifts and healing along the way. I know and trust this because of the gifts he has already given.
My baby girl Ana sang "Ni Wewe, ni Wewe Bwana, ni Wewe, ni Wewe Baba" all the way home on our 10 minute boda ride Monday. It says "you are my God, you are my father." God was using my precious 3 year old little girl to make my heart remember that he is my God and He is my Father. So I will follow in my baby's footsteps and sing Ni Wewe Baba every time my heart hurts. My father gave me such good gifts to prepare me. I can trust that he will heal me too.
