Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s funny being in a country where Thanksgiving isn’t celebrated. It’s quite a bit harder to be in the Holiday spirit! Strangely the lack of Holiday spirit makes it easier to remember the true meaning behind the holidays and I find myself constantly thinking of things I’m thankful for in my life. (Unfortunately this also tends to bring about waves of homesickness for me. Having two homes is bittersweet.) I thought I would take time to share about what I am most thankful for this year and hopefully get you thinking about all of your many blessings as well!

I am thankful for My God. This week I have felt the acceptance and unconditional love of the Lord more than I have in a long time. Some current events in my life have made me aware that I carry unbelief and mistrust more than I thought. In the mercy and kindness of the Lord, I have been reaffirmed through the blessings he has given me recently. Blessings that I think I had just concluded would never come to me.

More than that, I have felt the blessed assurance of salvation. It comes over me in waves. With each new day and each new experience I remember that it is all worth nothing compared to love of my savior. I have all of these amazing new blessings in my life and when I think about them I can easily be overcome with fear of what would happen if I lost them. Still the lord in his loving kindness reminds me each day that He will never leave me, that I can depend on Him and Him alone, and that when I put my trust in Him I will not be shaken. Oh what a comfort it is to know that regardless of circumstances in my life I have my one true love and I am held and whole. Thank you Lord for reminding me that you are the rock my life stands on. You are my fortress, my shelter, and my ever-present help in trouble. (And in abundant blessings!)

I am also thankful for friends. I have an AMAZING group of girls that live with me and just down the street from me. All of us are so different from each other but we have the most fun!  Jess, Malinda, Sarah, Melanie, and Natalie: Life would just be too boring without you. I have never laughed so much or had this much fun. Y’all are the best and I am extremely grateful for you in this season. You make the homesickness bearable and the joys of this new season of life so much more fun to squeal about. I love you all so, so much!

I also have an amazing group of friends in America that take time out of their busy lives to remain in mine from across the world. Grace and Krystal, life would be so much harder (and much more boring!) without your love and support and all of the awesome memories we have together. We are what they call “lifers” and I can’t wait to see where the future takes all of us. I love you girls!

I am thankful for the Jenga staff. I wish all of you could meet this crazy bunch of co-workers that I have! There is never a dull moment in the office and these people are rock stars at what they do. There is so much love and friendship in the office and a strong sense of community between us all. It’s beautiful and wonderful and now I’m turning to mush so I need to move on.

I am overcome with thankfulness for my family. I’m not sure if absence makes the heart grow fonder or if it just magnifies the fondness that is already there. Either way, being away during this holiday season is making me remember just how wonderful my family is. We have all sorts of family traditions that I don’t think about when they happen year after year, but are leaving a crater in my heart right now. Every one of you, on all sides, holds such a special place in my heart. You are the people that shape my life the most and your absence is felt very much right now. I love y’all!

I am thankful for my precious nephew that will be joining us in a few short months! I have tried not to gush too much on Facebook or in my blog but I am dying to meet this little guy! All I can think about is how precious Matthew was as a little boy and how many hilarious stories he gave us that we still tell. (Turn around, face the wall, shoot me! Haha! Matthew was the best.) I can’t wait to meet my nephew and watch him grow up. I hope he is fiery and fun just like Matthew but with all of Dru’s kindness and sweet spirit. Baby boy, you have an aunt Callie that has waited her whole life for you to arrive! I love you more than you could ever imagine and I am already your biggest fan. I am going to kiss your face off when you arrive so get ready!

I could go on and on about all of the things I am thankful for. I am so glad to have this opportunity to have some stillness around the holidays that allows me to reflect on the really important stuff. I hope you find some stillness in the busyness of the holidays to reflect upon all of the Lord’s blessings in your life as well.

I love you all and I am so thankful for you. Happy Thanksgiving!

Wellspring of Life

This year has been so wonderful and so healing for me. After everything that happened in 2014, I have seen the goodness of the Lord in 2015! I'm sitting here thinking back over everything He has done this year and I'm in awe. I'm so humbled by his love for me and how much he has shown me that love this year. I have every reason to be brimming with trust and feel absolutely secure in Jesus. But the struggle is real y'all.

Sometimes my mistrust of the goodness of my God keeps me from seeing everything He has done for me clearly. It fogs the truth of His goodness and His faithfulness and makes me question if He really meant that He will use all things for my good. Sometimes it is absolutely crippling. Isn't that devastating? Thankfully we have a gracious and loving father that doesn't leave us in the hard places. I find that He will use just about anything to remind me of what He has done for me and what He will do for me. I always have a choice to make. I can always choose to remember His goodness. Even if it means just repeating what He has done for me until I can believe that He will do it again!

I get to choose to remember the times I felt the most broken, and prayers I prayed that I wasn't sure were even possible. I can choose to remember seeing those prayers answered! I can choose to look at those little miracles with renewed faith and trust.

I can choose gratitude. I can choose to keep his praises on my lips. For all of the reasons he has given me to trust him I can praise him. For the prayers he has answered in the last six months that I thought were impossible, I can praise him! For being everything I need, I can praise him. When the temptation to let fear enter in comes, I pray that my praises will drown it out and send it packing. 

I am choosing to say no to the temptations of the mind and the flesh. This one is important. I have seen the damage that insecurity and mistrust can do. I have seen the danger in not believing God. I have personally hurt myself and other people by giving in to the temptation to sit in my fear. But I get to say no. When the flood of fear and insecurity comes and I have nothing left to do I can fix my eyes on Jesus and cling to his word like it's all I have left. 

I can also choose vulnerability. Because being real and honest about where I'm at is ok. It's more than ok, it's necessary. I can't invite Jesus into my deepest darkest places if I'm pretending they aren't there. I can't ask for healing if I won't acknowledge the need. I can't move forward without being completely honest. So I can choose vulnerability. I can choose community, and accountability, which are both necessary and biblical by the way. 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it means to guard your heart. This is one of those topics that is brought up in christian circles every time someone tries to talk about dating. Predominantly when christian females talk about dating. Everyone knows they are supposed to tell each other to "guard your heart!" but no one can really tell us what it means to actually do it. There is no step by step How-To on this particular subject. I think it applies to much more than just dating. I think it has everything to do with our relationship with the Lord. With our ability to be open and honest and vulnerable with our Heavenly Father.

There is this thing floating around Facebook about a mother who told her daughter to replace the word "Love" for the name of the guy she likes, and read 1 Corinthians 14:4-7 to see if he is someone she should be considering as a possible mate. I love it. I happen to think its great advice.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

It would be nice to say that if you just pass everyone through this little litmus test it will give you all the answers, you'll be a heart guarding professional, and we can all ride off in the sunset singing. Unfortunately there will be no quick fixes and sunset singing today. Sorry.

Proverbs 4:23 says:

Above all else, guard your heart,    for everything you do flows from it.

One time I heard someone compare guarding your heart to defensive driving. Because you would never go out on the roads assuming everyone else out there is trustworthy and a perfect driver! If you want to be safe you have to keep your guard up, pay attention and trust no one. Right?

You know, it kind of makes sense to my flesh. The very words "guard your heart" make me immediately think of armor, walls and motes. But is that what God meant? Did he intend for us to make people (or Him) get past the mote and the walls just to find we have some really heavy armor on? I just don't think so. I don't think anyone talking about guarding your heart ever actually intends to make it sound like this is what it takes. I do think this is what our young human minds are left with when we don't have a better suggestion for how to go about it.

I have the tendency to play offense. I have this mentality that says "I have to stay one step ahead of you so you can't hurt me. I have to point out all of your shortcomings so you know that I will not be messed with. I have to demand to be treated right. I have to let you go before you let me go so you can't hurt me." And I justify it by telling myself I'm only "guarding my heart." (Crazy huh? I bet half of you are sitting there thinking "this chic needs help!" and the other half of you are thinking "oh god, she is inside my head...")

It's the second part of proverbs 4:23 that gets me. The part no one talks about. "For everything you do flows from it." Some versions say, "For it is the wellspring of life." Can you just close your eyes and try to picture that for me? When I picture my heart as a wellspring of life it looks like an overflowing fountain. I don't get the same picture in my head when I hear the phrase "guard your heart." Do you? Somehow we I have disconnected the two parts of this scripture.

If everything we do flows from our heart, if it is the wellspring of life...then we need a new MO on how to protect it. Read the 1 Corinthians passage again, but read it as if it is the instruction manual to your wellspring of life.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Maybe I'm the only one, but that has never been my game plan for guarding my heart. Maybe guarding your heart doesn't mean making sure it never gets broken. Maybe it means making sure your heart still overflows with love even after it has been broken. Maybe the best thing we can do to guard our heart is to keep it alive, soft and beating.

Dr. Brene Brown is a shame and vulnerability researcher and she mentions in one of her Ted talks that research has shown that when we numb our negative emotions we also numb the positive ones. You don't get to pick and choose what you numb. It's all or nothing. If this is true then that means we don't get to decide what we close our hearts off to and what we open them up to. We can't change from warm and beating, to cold and dead whenever its convenient for our protection. We have to choose.

I think God had more in mind than heartbreak prevention when he told us to guard our hearts. In fact I don't think prevention was the point at all. I think proper usage and maintenance is a little more accurate. I think that placing someone's name in 1 Corinthians 14:4-7 is a great thing to do to have an honest moment with ourselves about their character! I think it is also great to do for ourselves.

Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I envy or boast? Am I proud? Do I dishonor others? Do I seek myself or get angry easily? Have I kept a record of wrongs? Am I delighting in evil, or rejoicing with the truth? Do I protect? Do I trust, hope, and persevere? Am I loving well? Because if I'm not loving well then my heart isn't well. I have to keep my heart well because everything I do flows from it. It is my wellspring of life.

How is your wellspring of life right now? When you close your eyes and picture your heart as your wellspring of life what do you see? Is it still sparkling in the sun and overflowing with love? Or is it a little dry and rusty? It's ok to be honest. I think that may be a great place to start.

Remember what I was saying about mistrust earlier? About not trusting the Lord to be good and faithful? For me, this comes from guarding my heart the wrong way. From putting on armor instead of choosing trust, hope, and perseverance. When I find myself worrying about the future I often times find myself self seeking, being too proud to be honest, keeping a record of wrongs instead of rejoicing in the truth of my Heavenly Father's goodness. These things aren't really guarding my heart. they aren't protecting my wellspring of life. They are drying it up. 

These days I am practicing protecting my wellspring of life. I'm trying to be honest with my healer so that He has space to enter in and fix what is broken. I'm taking off the armor that was dragging my heart down and keeping it hidden. I'm finding that a beating heart might be scary, but it is alive and free.

Alepele and Solomon

Most of my days here are filled with a mixture of joy and the realization of the enormity of suffering in this world. Still there are times when I sit down at the end of the day and the heaviness of the broken state of this world feels more than my joy can bare. Sometimes it comes from seeing sickness and death. Sometimes from having the depths of poverty screaming at me everywhere I go. Sometimes, the hardest times, I am overwhelmed because of spiritual brokenness that ripples through families and marriages and slowly destroys these people and relationships that God meant to be beautiful and life giving.

Recently I had one of these moments. Many of you have heard the story of Ana and know that I am very close with her and her family. I have struggled for the past couple years to know what the best role for me in their lives is, and have had to make some really hard decisions. Recently I made the decision to back away a bit and give Ana and her siblings the chance to settle into a normal life routine where they can know what to expect, what to call home, and who to call mommy. This was a difficult enough task for me because I love them and know their home situation and long to somehow fix it. I know I can’t. I also am very aware that their parents have been known to abuse and neglect them. The youngest is still suffering the consequences of their neglectful choices in his health. I am comforted in knowing that the neighbor that is currently caring for them is a wonderful woman of God and loves these children just as much as I do. I am so thankful for that! Still there is so much more that I know but don’t feel comfortable sharing that makes it really difficult for me to place these children in the hands of the Lord and TRUST that He will take care of them.

A couple weeks ago I went to visit the kids and found that the oldest girl, Alepele, wasn’t there. I got a couple different stories at first but it turned out that she had been sent to Kampala. I was told she was sent there to beg.  My heart completely broke. I had trouble finding her parents to ask them about it and make a plan to bring her home. I also struggled within myself about how involved to get in the situation. My heart wanted her back NOW but my head was reminding me that I chose to back away for a reason. After some time I finally had a chance to speak with her father. He seemed to want her back as much as I did and was willing to go to Kampala to bring her back if I had money for transportation. We arranged a time for them to go and the neighbor that is currently helping to care for the children went with him to ensure that the money was used wisely and that Alepele came home.

Praise God she is now home! Our reunion was so sweet. I cannot even begin to tell you how sweet it was to have her in my arms again. I am so happy to be able to tell you that she is home and safe and in school now!

Out of all of the chaos an opportunity to have a serious discussion with their mother arose. The health officer from the Jenga office went with me to speak to the mother and we were able to talk to her about the nutrition of the children, her drinking, and other issues within the family. At the end of our conversation she agreed to going to a nutrition clinic with the youngest boy, Solomon, and to not drink during the time that she stayed with him there. This is huge. This mama has never agreed to anything like this before! To be completely honest, every time I go to her to ask her to work with me to help her children she tells me no and says, “They are your children. You take them.” I was so glad to know that she was at least willing this time to try it. She went with Solomon and from what I hear she did a great job. We have a plan now to help the baby and the mama get better from home and I have hope that this time she might be serious. Yesterday I went to see them all and for the first time ever I saw her interacting with her children like a normal, loving mother. It was so sweet. On top of that, Solomon looked like a different child. He was laughing and playing and even took a few steps!!! The sweetest moment was when I was holding him and he put his hand on my face and stuck his lips out to kiss me! To see this little boy, that formerly had no energy to even smile, give love and affection was so amazing. I am so glad to be here to see the hand of the Lord in this family! 

The quote from Ann Voskamp at the top resonates with me so much. In the times when the suffering seems too deep and too dark for any light or love to get through, I know that is just the limitations of my understanding. There is a love that that can seep into the suffering of this world and uproot it to bring redemption and restoration. Jesus is the love that that will bring change to this place. I see it happening. I see all of the things that I have prayed for starting to be shaken up and moved around by the love of Jesus. For now, he has given me a glimpse of heaven on earth and I will not stop praying and believing for it to come! Please pray with me for these people and relationships to continue to be changed and shaped by the love of Jesus.

Alepele and Solomon

Is he really enough?

My wallpaper on my computer says "I am enough." It is a reminder that I am worthy of love and connection because Jesus made me worthy, and it is also a reminder that Jesus is enough for me in every circumstance.

This week has been hard. I said goodbye to a friend that is moving back to America this week. I saw more than anyone should ever have to see in the main hospital in town yesterday. Malnourished babies that look like they shouldn't have survived this long, and sick children on the brink of death with mamas that look like they are losing hope. I walked away feeling totally broken. I don't know where Alepele is. (The oldest of my children.) She has been gone for two weeks now. I am told she is in Kampala but I don't know if she has a place to sleep, if she has someone caring for her, or when she is coming back. It is all feeling like too much right now.

It is weeks like this when I have to answer the question, "Is Jesus really enough for me? In every circumstance?"

Is Jesus really enough to take care of my baby girl? Do I really believe that He holds her and He loves her more than I ever could? Do I trust Him with her? Goodness that part is hard for me. I just want her home where I can hold her and know she is safe!

Is Jesus enough for my heart that is sad from saying goodbye to a friend? Is He enough for my friend that will now have to find his place in America again? Can we depend on him to be our comfort and our strength?

Is Jesus enough for all of the mamas and babies that are in desperate need of healing? Do I believe that He really will bring good out of every situation? Will I get to see that good? If I don't can I trust that He is still faithful?

I know that the answer to my question is yes. YES Jesus is enough. Always! He IS trustworthy. He IS dependable and He WILL be my comfort and my strength. He CAN bring healing and he WILL work all things for the good of those who love him. Even if I don't see it right now. Even if it doesn't look the way I want it to. He IS faithful.

Jesus is enough. Always. I pray that truth sinks deep into our souls and becomes real to us in undeniable, tangible ways. I pray that every time I start to feel like I can't take anymore I would just breathe the words, "You are enough for me Jesus" and choose to rest in His promises and the comfort of His arms. I pray that somehow I would be used to make this truth known to everyone I come in contact with. Jesus is enough. He will always be enough.

Rose

I didn't know Rose very well personally. I saw her often. She lived right next to my kids. She was always kind and greeted me with smiling eyes. I had no idea she was sick. When I left in September she was the same as she had always been. When I came back in January she was barely recognizable. 

I remember the first time I saw her when I arrived this year. She was laying outside of her house next to the neighbor woman who was cooking. I greeted her and the neighbor told me she was paralyzed  from the waist down. I prayed for her and tried to hold back tears as I looked into her beautiful and tired eyes. I tried to get as much information as possible from the neighbor but the language barrier made it nearly impossible. 

I asked a friend from the office, also named Rose, to go and check on her for me and find out what happened. She came back to me and said it was HIV. Rose had stopped taking her ARV's and was really sick. She didn't have family around and her husband had left her so Rose (from the office) and I decided to help her. We made a list of things to buy for her so that she could feed herself and we talked about discussing her health with her. Rose (from the office) went to town and bought all of the things we decided on and when she went to give them to her she was told she had gone to the village. We decided to wait a while and see if she returned, there wasn't much else we could do... 

She never returned. Rose passed away over the weekend. 

I have no idea what this is that I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's sadness over the loss of a neighbor. Maybe it's anger that sin brought this horrible disease into the world and it has taken yet another life. Maybe it's grief because I'm not certain that she knew Jesus. Maybe it's guilt knocking on my door saying I could have done more, should have done more. It is probably a combination of all of those things wrapped up in a numbing shell. 

I wish I had more time to sit with Rose, and the language resources to actually be able to have a conversation with her about Jesus. There are so many thoughts that have gone through my head today about what I don't know and what I would have done differently had I known how little time She actually had left. 

When I sat to write this tonight all of the thoughts and emotions you could think of flooded my mind and I couldn't even begin to think of what to write. Then a quiet voice said, "It doesn't have to be eloquent. You just have to tell her story. It's a story that needs to be told."

HIV is a nasty disease. It is best friends with shame, another nasty disease, and together they are lethal. Shame moved into this country along with HIV and said that if you got it you deserved it and you were wrong. It didn't take into account all of the innocent people that contract the disease from trusted spouses, abuse, or parents. It tried to cover the fact that Jesus had paid for all sin, even sin that leads to HIV. It just moved in and silenced people enough to kill them. 

I don't know how Rose got HIV or why she stopped taking her ARV's. I probably never will have answers to those questions. Maybe it was shame, or maybe she was just tired. I wish I could rewind to January 10th when I first saw her and spend more time with her. I hope she knew Jesus and is sitting at his feet, 100% free of HIV and shame. I hope she got to say goodbye to her children and grandchildren if she had them. I pray that anyone suffering from HIV would send shame packing and choose to live in the freedom of Christ. I pray that His kingdom would come on earth as it is in heaven and that HIV would just be something you read about in history books one day. 

Pray for Rose's family. Pray for me. Pray for everyone else in the world suffering from this terrible disease. Jesus come quickly. 

Time for an update!

I've been in Uganda for three weeks now!  In some ways it feels like I never left. In other ways it feels like a completely different place. I made a conscious effort not to have expectations for what things would be like when I got back. I knew that everything would be different; after all I was coming back to a (semi) new roommate, new job, and a lot of changes in my personal life. There was no way for me to prepare for what I would feel and how I would adjust. I made a choice long before I left to trust God. A choice to believe what he says and to trust where he leads.

It all still feels really new. There is no denying that everything really is different now, and the Lord is giving me such grace through it all. I’m still sifting my way through some of the pain from the way I left. Just today I was walking through Namatala and along the way I saw so many of the people that I used to work with and still love deeply. It has been bittersweet reuniting with all of these people and then having to explain why I left without saying goodbye and why things are different now. I wasn't ready to go when I left and I definitely wasn't ready to go without saying goodbye when I knew I wouldn't be working with them after I came back. That wasn't how any of it was supposed to happen, but it did. I have a different job now. I love them deeply and no one can ever change that, but I won't be working with them daily anymore. That is a really hard reality for me, and the Lord is navigating these foreign waters with me with his unconditional love and sweet grace. 

Praise God for his good and perfect gifts in the midst of the bittersweet. I love my new job and all of the people that I’m working with! It’s so neat to have a team of expats to work with as well as a whole office full of Ugandans! Everyone has been so welcoming and I’m starting to find the groove of things in the office. I’ve learned who everyone is and what their job is and I love getting to know the people I will be working with.

On my first day in the office I was given a tour of all of the different offices and what each of them do. When I got to the women’s office, which is the office I will be working in, everyone was introduced to me. When I introduced myself everyone began saying, “Yes! We have been waiting for you! You are the one that does crafts! We are so glad you are finally here!” It was a bit of a surprise since I was thinking I would mostly be working on a nutrition project, but it was so sweet to know someone had talked me up WAY too much and that they were so excited to have me. My job has expanded already and I love it! I love knowing that my dreams are being encouraged but also having the opportunity to do things I’m good at and things I love.

We have team dinners every Monday night. I have a team now! And I love every single person in it. Team dinners are just dinner and quality time together, no work, and they are usually hilarious! Within the Jenga volunteer group there are at least 5 different countries represented and countless different accents. We inevitably spend a good amount of time discussing what we each call different objects and the different expressions we all use. It amazes me how hard it can be to understand a conversation with a person that speaks English! My friend Grace is from Manchester, UK and sometimes when she speaks I question whether or not she is speaking English. She also does an AWESOME southern accent impression. I think she may have watched Sweet Home Alabama one too many times! (Also, apparently “awesome” is an American word only. The jokes are endless.) My friend Rhonda is from northern Ireland and when she said, “cow” I had no idea what she was talking about. I think she added a couple letters and syllables in there. Definitely not English! (I’m only teasing. Love you Rhonda!) It’s a blast every day with this team. I’m so thankful for them!

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning is spent with the whole Jenga staff in worship and prayer. That has been such a blessing. It is so neat to be a part of. It is so sweet to see all of the Jenga staff and volunteers, close to 50 people, worshipping the lord in unity with the purpose of making his name great. Three times a week we all gather together to refocus on the goal. We aren’t just here to build things. We aren’t just here to help women save money for their future. We aren’t just here to educate and feed children. We aren’t just here for the countless other projects Jenga has. We are here to make the name of The Lord great! I’m so blessed to be part of a ministry that puts Jesus first always.

I had such a sweet reunion with my kids and my sweet friend Annette that loves and cares for them as if she is their bio mom. Alepele was the first of my kids to see me and she came running to hug me. Cheede heard her yelling my name and came running behind her and jumped into my arms! It was so perfect and sweet. Ana had just woken up when I arrived so she was still half asleep when she saw me. She just cried and put her hands out for me to pick her up. My sweet baby girl didn’t understand why I left and I hate that she had to try to process it all in her precious little mind. I’m praying that she will understand someday and forgive me. I’m soaking up the time I have with her now! If I didn't know how precious it was before, I definitely know now. Solomon still isn't walking but he did recognize me and he let me hold him without crying! My sweet boy is still too small. Much too small. Please continue praying for him and for total healing. Annette had a baby while I was in America and he is the cutest little thing! She named him Ty after my friend Ty that loves them and took amazing care of them while I was away. My reunion with Annette was so sweet. It felt so good to hug my friend again! We looked at baby Ty together, hugged each other, reminded each other of how good God is and how far he brought us this year, and praised him for being such a good and loving father. I'm so thankful to be able to without a doubt call Annette a true friend. 

There is so much more to tell you! I can't wait to tell you about my new friends, reunions with old friends, and give you more details about what it is exactly that I'm doing. For now I should probably sleep. We pulled an all-nighter for the super bowl last night and now I am exhausted! (9 hour time difference = watching the super bowl at 2 am. I didn't get home until 7am!) Thanks so much for all of your prayers! See you back here soon!