Is he really enough?

My wallpaper on my computer says "I am enough." It is a reminder that I am worthy of love and connection because Jesus made me worthy, and it is also a reminder that Jesus is enough for me in every circumstance.

This week has been hard. I said goodbye to a friend that is moving back to America this week. I saw more than anyone should ever have to see in the main hospital in town yesterday. Malnourished babies that look like they shouldn't have survived this long, and sick children on the brink of death with mamas that look like they are losing hope. I walked away feeling totally broken. I don't know where Alepele is. (The oldest of my children.) She has been gone for two weeks now. I am told she is in Kampala but I don't know if she has a place to sleep, if she has someone caring for her, or when she is coming back. It is all feeling like too much right now.

It is weeks like this when I have to answer the question, "Is Jesus really enough for me? In every circumstance?"

Is Jesus really enough to take care of my baby girl? Do I really believe that He holds her and He loves her more than I ever could? Do I trust Him with her? Goodness that part is hard for me. I just want her home where I can hold her and know she is safe!

Is Jesus enough for my heart that is sad from saying goodbye to a friend? Is He enough for my friend that will now have to find his place in America again? Can we depend on him to be our comfort and our strength?

Is Jesus enough for all of the mamas and babies that are in desperate need of healing? Do I believe that He really will bring good out of every situation? Will I get to see that good? If I don't can I trust that He is still faithful?

I know that the answer to my question is yes. YES Jesus is enough. Always! He IS trustworthy. He IS dependable and He WILL be my comfort and my strength. He CAN bring healing and he WILL work all things for the good of those who love him. Even if I don't see it right now. Even if it doesn't look the way I want it to. He IS faithful.

Jesus is enough. Always. I pray that truth sinks deep into our souls and becomes real to us in undeniable, tangible ways. I pray that every time I start to feel like I can't take anymore I would just breathe the words, "You are enough for me Jesus" and choose to rest in His promises and the comfort of His arms. I pray that somehow I would be used to make this truth known to everyone I come in contact with. Jesus is enough. He will always be enough.

Rose

I didn't know Rose very well personally. I saw her often. She lived right next to my kids. She was always kind and greeted me with smiling eyes. I had no idea she was sick. When I left in September she was the same as she had always been. When I came back in January she was barely recognizable. 

I remember the first time I saw her when I arrived this year. She was laying outside of her house next to the neighbor woman who was cooking. I greeted her and the neighbor told me she was paralyzed  from the waist down. I prayed for her and tried to hold back tears as I looked into her beautiful and tired eyes. I tried to get as much information as possible from the neighbor but the language barrier made it nearly impossible. 

I asked a friend from the office, also named Rose, to go and check on her for me and find out what happened. She came back to me and said it was HIV. Rose had stopped taking her ARV's and was really sick. She didn't have family around and her husband had left her so Rose (from the office) and I decided to help her. We made a list of things to buy for her so that she could feed herself and we talked about discussing her health with her. Rose (from the office) went to town and bought all of the things we decided on and when she went to give them to her she was told she had gone to the village. We decided to wait a while and see if she returned, there wasn't much else we could do... 

She never returned. Rose passed away over the weekend. 

I have no idea what this is that I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's sadness over the loss of a neighbor. Maybe it's anger that sin brought this horrible disease into the world and it has taken yet another life. Maybe it's grief because I'm not certain that she knew Jesus. Maybe it's guilt knocking on my door saying I could have done more, should have done more. It is probably a combination of all of those things wrapped up in a numbing shell. 

I wish I had more time to sit with Rose, and the language resources to actually be able to have a conversation with her about Jesus. There are so many thoughts that have gone through my head today about what I don't know and what I would have done differently had I known how little time She actually had left. 

When I sat to write this tonight all of the thoughts and emotions you could think of flooded my mind and I couldn't even begin to think of what to write. Then a quiet voice said, "It doesn't have to be eloquent. You just have to tell her story. It's a story that needs to be told."

HIV is a nasty disease. It is best friends with shame, another nasty disease, and together they are lethal. Shame moved into this country along with HIV and said that if you got it you deserved it and you were wrong. It didn't take into account all of the innocent people that contract the disease from trusted spouses, abuse, or parents. It tried to cover the fact that Jesus had paid for all sin, even sin that leads to HIV. It just moved in and silenced people enough to kill them. 

I don't know how Rose got HIV or why she stopped taking her ARV's. I probably never will have answers to those questions. Maybe it was shame, or maybe she was just tired. I wish I could rewind to January 10th when I first saw her and spend more time with her. I hope she knew Jesus and is sitting at his feet, 100% free of HIV and shame. I hope she got to say goodbye to her children and grandchildren if she had them. I pray that anyone suffering from HIV would send shame packing and choose to live in the freedom of Christ. I pray that His kingdom would come on earth as it is in heaven and that HIV would just be something you read about in history books one day. 

Pray for Rose's family. Pray for me. Pray for everyone else in the world suffering from this terrible disease. Jesus come quickly. 

Time for an update!

I've been in Uganda for three weeks now!  In some ways it feels like I never left. In other ways it feels like a completely different place. I made a conscious effort not to have expectations for what things would be like when I got back. I knew that everything would be different; after all I was coming back to a (semi) new roommate, new job, and a lot of changes in my personal life. There was no way for me to prepare for what I would feel and how I would adjust. I made a choice long before I left to trust God. A choice to believe what he says and to trust where he leads.

It all still feels really new. There is no denying that everything really is different now, and the Lord is giving me such grace through it all. I’m still sifting my way through some of the pain from the way I left. Just today I was walking through Namatala and along the way I saw so many of the people that I used to work with and still love deeply. It has been bittersweet reuniting with all of these people and then having to explain why I left without saying goodbye and why things are different now. I wasn't ready to go when I left and I definitely wasn't ready to go without saying goodbye when I knew I wouldn't be working with them after I came back. That wasn't how any of it was supposed to happen, but it did. I have a different job now. I love them deeply and no one can ever change that, but I won't be working with them daily anymore. That is a really hard reality for me, and the Lord is navigating these foreign waters with me with his unconditional love and sweet grace. 

Praise God for his good and perfect gifts in the midst of the bittersweet. I love my new job and all of the people that I’m working with! It’s so neat to have a team of expats to work with as well as a whole office full of Ugandans! Everyone has been so welcoming and I’m starting to find the groove of things in the office. I’ve learned who everyone is and what their job is and I love getting to know the people I will be working with.

On my first day in the office I was given a tour of all of the different offices and what each of them do. When I got to the women’s office, which is the office I will be working in, everyone was introduced to me. When I introduced myself everyone began saying, “Yes! We have been waiting for you! You are the one that does crafts! We are so glad you are finally here!” It was a bit of a surprise since I was thinking I would mostly be working on a nutrition project, but it was so sweet to know someone had talked me up WAY too much and that they were so excited to have me. My job has expanded already and I love it! I love knowing that my dreams are being encouraged but also having the opportunity to do things I’m good at and things I love.

We have team dinners every Monday night. I have a team now! And I love every single person in it. Team dinners are just dinner and quality time together, no work, and they are usually hilarious! Within the Jenga volunteer group there are at least 5 different countries represented and countless different accents. We inevitably spend a good amount of time discussing what we each call different objects and the different expressions we all use. It amazes me how hard it can be to understand a conversation with a person that speaks English! My friend Grace is from Manchester, UK and sometimes when she speaks I question whether or not she is speaking English. She also does an AWESOME southern accent impression. I think she may have watched Sweet Home Alabama one too many times! (Also, apparently “awesome” is an American word only. The jokes are endless.) My friend Rhonda is from northern Ireland and when she said, “cow” I had no idea what she was talking about. I think she added a couple letters and syllables in there. Definitely not English! (I’m only teasing. Love you Rhonda!) It’s a blast every day with this team. I’m so thankful for them!

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning is spent with the whole Jenga staff in worship and prayer. That has been such a blessing. It is so neat to be a part of. It is so sweet to see all of the Jenga staff and volunteers, close to 50 people, worshipping the lord in unity with the purpose of making his name great. Three times a week we all gather together to refocus on the goal. We aren’t just here to build things. We aren’t just here to help women save money for their future. We aren’t just here to educate and feed children. We aren’t just here for the countless other projects Jenga has. We are here to make the name of The Lord great! I’m so blessed to be part of a ministry that puts Jesus first always.

I had such a sweet reunion with my kids and my sweet friend Annette that loves and cares for them as if she is their bio mom. Alepele was the first of my kids to see me and she came running to hug me. Cheede heard her yelling my name and came running behind her and jumped into my arms! It was so perfect and sweet. Ana had just woken up when I arrived so she was still half asleep when she saw me. She just cried and put her hands out for me to pick her up. My sweet baby girl didn’t understand why I left and I hate that she had to try to process it all in her precious little mind. I’m praying that she will understand someday and forgive me. I’m soaking up the time I have with her now! If I didn't know how precious it was before, I definitely know now. Solomon still isn't walking but he did recognize me and he let me hold him without crying! My sweet boy is still too small. Much too small. Please continue praying for him and for total healing. Annette had a baby while I was in America and he is the cutest little thing! She named him Ty after my friend Ty that loves them and took amazing care of them while I was away. My reunion with Annette was so sweet. It felt so good to hug my friend again! We looked at baby Ty together, hugged each other, reminded each other of how good God is and how far he brought us this year, and praised him for being such a good and loving father. I'm so thankful to be able to without a doubt call Annette a true friend. 

There is so much more to tell you! I can't wait to tell you about my new friends, reunions with old friends, and give you more details about what it is exactly that I'm doing. For now I should probably sleep. We pulled an all-nighter for the super bowl last night and now I am exhausted! (9 hour time difference = watching the super bowl at 2 am. I didn't get home until 7am!) Thanks so much for all of your prayers! See you back here soon!