I lost my joy

I lost my joy. I know people aren't really supposed to say that. Especially missionaries. So it may make you uncomfortable, but I'm ok with that. 

I wasn't honest with myself about it for a while. I just know I woke up one day and realized that all of these little individual things that had gone wrong and made me unhappy were part of a much larger problem. 

I realized I had lost my joy. Joy and happiness are not the same thing. Joy sustains. Happiness is fleeting and deceiving. I knew this. I've known this for years. I'm a missionary! I'm supposed to know this and never ever forget it. Heaven forbid people find out I'm not perfect because I admit I lost my joy. 

James 1:2-4 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (ESV)

This is practically the missionary anthem. 

Count it pure joy when nothing works the way it is supposed to because, TIA. 

Count it pure joy when you can't get anything done due to language barriers. 

Count it pure joy when you lose an entire weeks worth of work because of rain. 

Count it pure joy when the people God sent you to turn their backs on you and accuse you of things you know nothing about. 

Count it pure joy when all of your friends move away. 

Count it pure joy when you are the friend leaving unexpectedly without a proper goodbye. 

At some point our joy gets lost in all the hard if we forget where that joy comes from or neglect The One that gives it freely. 

For me, it was a lack of Gods living and active word in my life. 

I wasn't in the word to be reminded that, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." (James 1:5-6 ESV) 

I wasn't in the word to be reminded that even Paul had a thorn in his flesh. Or to understand that God chose not to remove that thorn but to give his sufficient grace instead. Oh if I had stopped to take that in. His grace is enough. It's something I say a lot. I know this truth. But the temptation to believe the lie that God's grace was for someone else grew too strong when I wasn't in the word to read the truth. (2 Corinthians 12)

Not only did I lose the ability to accept the grace extended to me freely, but eventually I started forgetting how we received that grace altogether. 

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:1-10 ESV)

What a thing to forget. It's devastating what a lack of truth in our lives can do. We rob ourselves of our joy when we disconnect ourselves from The One who loves us with a fierce love. The One that supplies and sustains our joy. 

Praise God for his relentless love and pursuance of our hearts. 

I was in a really dark place y'all. I believe that God used me despite myself in this time, but I know I missed out on so much. I know I don't have to share this story. Some might even say I shouldn't have. But I believe that God can and will use it for His glory. That's worth the risk for me. 

I returned to the word. I returned to The One who holds my joy, and I found it in nail pierced hands waiting to receive me with love, mercy, and grace. 

Return today friend. He is waiting for you with those same hands. 

Ni Wewe Baba

And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. (Matthew 5:36-37 ESV)

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:13-15 ESV)

It was Monday afternoon. I was with Jennifer, the Ugandan leader of Amina. Our kids were all playing together outside, we were trying to get work done between having to put the kittens back outside and talking about the various people and things that were sick and broken. We were making plans for the next 2 1/2 months. They needed to be firm plans. 2 1/2 months felt like a blink of the eye compared to everything there was left to do. We had a full schedule the next day and 2 1/2 months was finally starting to feel like just enough time. I don't know why I remembered on that particular day, but I finally gave her the gift she had been waiting for from me. She cried and I cried and we talked about how God made the body and community to be this thing that glorified him in the way they love and serve each other. I told her that she loves and serves so well. She thanked me for loving them. I told her it's only because of the love of Jesus. We cried and hugged some more. Our kids were suspiciously quiet and it was getting late so I told her I would see her the next day and reminded her of all the things to do before I got there. Then I left. 

6pm Monday we were told the threat was too great and we would be leaving Uganda within the week. We were not allowed to talk about it with anyone until after we left. 

7pm we were told it would probably be about 4 days before we left. 

8pm power went out. 

9pm we were told there was a change of plans and we had less than 12 hours to get packed and out of Mbale. 

9:30pm internet and cell phone service went out. 

Midnight we finally decided to try to go to a friends house to book our flight. It failed

3am I gave up trying to book flights. 

5am it was finally booked by one of the dads. 

8:30am we got in a van and left mbale with no return in sight and having said goodbye to only a couple close friends. 

Looking back on Monday afternoon I can see countless blessings from The Lord. Little ways, and big ways, that he prepared my heart for what it couldn't see coming. I am forgetful. It has been almost a month since I decided to give her that gift but I kept forgetting. There is no reasoning to why I suddenly remembered and had it with me Monday. God just knew that would be the last time I saw her this year. Jennifer is also a very tough lady. Tears aren't something she shows easily. I was surprised by her tears that day and the outpouring of emotion and love from her. I will be grateful for that moment forever. God gave me the sweetest gift when he allowed us to tell each other how much we love, respect and value each other for seemingly no reason. 

It hurts me so much to know that Tuesday she expected me and I wasn't there. I pray that someone has explained things to her by now and that she forgives me for leaving her with a task that must feel impossible to accomplish alone. I pray she reads my letter soon and believes me when I say that she can do this without me. She always could! Our time together was rich and full of learning and change for the good but she is capable of leading those ladies by herself because she serves a God that is all powerful. I pray that she is filled with motivation courage and determination instead of feelings of defeat. This is her moment to let her light shine and show everyone what The Lord can do through her. I'm praying for the strength for her to take it. 

There are so many things left undone and  unsaid. All three of us girls will grieve over these things in different ways for the weeks to come. This is not how any of us imagined leaving. This is not how any of us wanted it to end. I personally would do anything to go back and finish what I started. This is hard and painful. My heart is broken and my eyes hurt from crying so much. 

But there are countless gifts from God that I can see now that were given to me in the week before we left. People that I saw that I hadn't seen in a long time. People that I spoke to on the phone. Things I was finally able to do and places that I visited for the first (and last) time in a while. God knew and he held my heart and gave it gifts long before it broke. He is still holding it even if I can't feel it and he will give me gifts and healing along the way. I know and trust this because of the gifts he has already given. 

My baby girl Ana sang "Ni Wewe, ni Wewe Bwana, ni Wewe, ni Wewe Baba" all the way home on our 10 minute boda ride Monday. It says "you are my God, you are my father." God was using my precious 3 year old little girl to make my heart remember that he is my God and He is my Father. So I will follow in my baby's footsteps and sing Ni Wewe Baba every time my heart hurts. My father gave me such good gifts to prepare me. I can trust that he will heal me too. 

It's been way too long friends!

Once again, allow me to apologize for my infrequent blogging. I am bad at this. Plain and simple. I get busy with life and totally forget to pop by here and give a quick update. I'm sorry. Without further adieu, here is what the past couple months have been like...

I just love the messages on the back of Ugandan taxi vans. Look carefully. God's Bressings to us all!

Jinja sailors club was so much fun. The desserts were amazing and the T-Rex photo opp was an extra bonus! Thanks Natalie and Tiffany! That was such a fun time. (Yes, that is me posing under the T-Rex as if he is about to eat me. Yes, I am apparently still 12. But it was fun!)

Visiting Mama Flowers' new house! This mama has worked so hard to build this house for her family. We are so proud of you and so happy for you Margaret. Your new home is beautiful!

Meet my new friend Patricia. Patricia is one of the most joyful and sweet young ladies I know. She is always very helpful when I need translation help in Namatala also. Love you P!

Wedding time!!! This girl is finally here! Thank you Lord! We are having the time of our lives!

Roommate pic! Don't we look fabulous?

Love this girl! So glad God saw it fitting for us to spend this year here together. She is a gem!

Lilly did an amazing job walking in the introduction with the other young girls. And she looked awesome doing it!

This guy. <3

Isn't he handsome?! And he has brains too ladies! Number one in his class every term. What a catch. Too bad he's not allowed to date until he's 30!

At least he won't be going on dates with anyone other than me. Don't we look smart?! I'm a very lucky girl!

Karamoja!!! We went to Moroto this time and it was beautiful. I will write another post about Karamoja soon. 

Goodness this little one is cute! And that door is small. Smaller than it looks. They all laughed at us as we walked under it. I'm fairly certain they were placing bets about whether or not we would all make it!

I'm not sure who this is exactly but she was around the whole time we were with Isaac and Akuu's family. She is beautiful and wearing the traditional karamojong jewelry. She graciously agreed to a photo with me and loved seeing herself! I want to be friends with this one. 

Do you remember that baby girl? The little one in white is the sweet girl that had to go to the nutrition center last year. She is doing so well! She is growing slowly, but I can see a big change developmentally! Way to go mama! Thank you Hilda for loving and supporting this sweet mother and her precious baby girl. Hilda is always telling me that what I did for them is truly a ministry. She is forgetting something through. What she did for them is being the hands and feet of Jesus. She loved them well, took them in, encouraged the mother, played with and loved on this sweet girl, and is seeing them though to the end. That is truly a ministry. Thank you Hilda!

New Backpacks! The Children got new backpacks while the team was here. My friend Grace and her husband Travis raised money to buy them nice, sturdy backpacks from America. They love them! As you can see from this picture they put them on and wore them around for the rest of the day. Thank you so much Grace and Travis Keas! The kids love their new backpacks.

Party!!! We decided to have a simple housewarming party for Mama Flower and her family when the whole team was here. It was so much fun! We baked cookies and they popped popcorn and we had sodas and listened to Margaret tell stories all night. It was a blast and well worth getting stuck in the mud later that night. Thats a story for another time!

2014 Team! Y'all were a joy to have in our house. Thank you for loving the people of Uganda well! 

Mommy

She calls me mommy now. Sometimes she still calls me Callie. But at least half of the time now she calls me mommy. When she is sad, tired, hungry, hurt, needs some loving, or just really happy she calls me mommy. 

The first time I noticed it I had a decision to make. Do I let her call me mommy? For a while I fought it and would say, "What is my name? My name is Callie!" to try to encourage her to keep calling me Callie. 

On my birthday she was really sick. She wouldn't let me put her down at all. When she finally did lay down it was under the condition that I would be next to her and touching her. When I thought she was finally fully asleep I decided to get up and try to shower. I was wrong. She immediately started crying, saying "mommy!", and reaching for me. She stopped crying as soon as I was back at her side rubbing her back. That was when I gave up fighting it. 

At that moment I was the only one around to take care of her. I was the one comforting her while she was in pain. I was the one worrying about her. I was the one by her side praying for relief from her sickness. 

This morning, a woman that helps us around the house said, "It is good to be a mama. I know that you are a mama to Ana. You are loving her and caring for her like a mama does." I was talking to a friend today and she said, "A mama is someone who protects and cares for you...seems like that is you." 

Right now it is. 

The thing is that even though she can't say it, Ana knows she has a lot of mommies. She has her biological mother who for some reason or another won't take care of her right now. She has Annette, the neighbor that graciously took her and her sister in and loves them so well. She has me. Someone who was placed in her life for an amount of time that only God knows, and refuses to give less than her whole heart. 

If God allows me to become her mommy forever I will be the happiest woman in the world. But if this is temporary, if I am here to be mommy for a season, she is worth the heart break. 

Ana is happy and healthy. She is growing, learning, loving, playing, and thriving! Is this confusing for her? Maybe. Is it wrong to be loved so well by so many people? I don't think so. 

I'm not walking away from these babies. Even if it turns out that it isn't possible for us to be a forever family, we will still be family. They are stuck with me now! 

So she calls me mommy. With so much joy, fear, trembling, and prayer... I'm letting her. 

I'm sorry!

So I realize it has almost been two months since I last posted a blog... I am so sorry. A lot of real life has been lived and that is why my social media life has suffered! Let me catch you up...

My Sweet friend Katie Sandy offered to take pictures of the Amina Jewelry and got a few of Ana and I in the process.

Isn't she cute? Isn't our jewelry fabulous?! The rest of the pictures haven't come back to me yet but I will share them when they do!

This picture is great. Like I-want-to-put-in-the-center-of-our-living-room-in-a-frame great. Meet Jimmy. He is one of our night guards from our security service. He is our favorite. Clearly Jimmy would never let anything harm us on his watch. We are safe. Thank you Jimmy!



Okiror Bosco's mom produced! Bosco now has a sweet baby sister. She hasn't been named yet, but I'm pulling for Callie!



The I Choose You kids are basically on holiday now! This is great because we get to play more and work less. I can't wait for next week! I am hoping they will all come to work with their mothers in the mornings and I can hang out with them!



Aren't these two girls cuties? They are best friends, and a load of fun and sass! I love these girls.



This little creature ended up on our gate a couple weeks ago. I don't do creepy crawly things, especially when they are slimy.  Ick.



It decided to come out and say hello! Gross!



Do you see the cloud sitting on the mountain?! The picture doesn't come close to capturing how cool it was. We love our mountain!



I am from Texas, and in my family we get new dresses every Easter. My baby sister bought Chede and Ana these cute dresses for Christmas and I knew they would make perfect Easter dresses. Aren't they cute?!



Last November when Darby and I were at the Bethany Lutheran Christmas Market A very sweet woman gave me this tutu for Ana. I finally let her wear it the other day!



 I don't have the contact of the lady that gave us the tutu, but if you're seeing this thank you! Ana loves it!



So if you didn't see the facebook post, Ana has been using water and coke zero bottles as baby dolls. I mentioned it on facebook and got overwhelming response! A woman form my home church generously offered to buy Ana a baby and found one that isn't white and already bought it and gave it to my mom to send with the team! I am so humbled. A sweet friend in town also offered to give Ana a baby doll she had.



Here in Uganda, women tie their babies to their backs to carry them. As ana was playing with her baby she took one of my scarves and held up her baby to me and asked me to help her tie it on her back!




Here in Uganda women also hold their babies on their backs without anything tied to them. They let their babies sleep this way while they work. It amazes me. Ana decided her baby needed to sleep like this too.

Thank you Valerie and Katie for the baby dolls. Ana is so loved by so many people. I am so thankful for your generosity!

A few things pictures can't capture...

Every day in town I get the typical, "Is that your baby?" question from people. Sometimes, the way they ask is just too hilarious. My favorite up until recently has been, "Eh! Mzungu, you have produced a very black baby!" but there is a new favorite now. The other day as I was getting on a boda someone said, "Mzungu, how you born black baby?" The best part is that they were 100% serious and expecting an answer! Sometimes people will ask me if her father is black african. I have come up with many responses in my head, but I fear none of them are approriate to actually say. The one I am tempted to answer with every time is, "No, he is Mzungu! We don't know what happened!" I have to bite my tongue every time. (I. Am. So. Funny!)

I wish I had pictures for proof of what I am about to tell you but I don't. You are going to have to believe me that this is true. 

I always thought that if you wanted to transport a cow you needed a trailor or something like that. I was wrong. Other acceptable means of trasporting cows around here are: Holding it across your lap on a boda (motorcycle taxi), tying it to the back of a boda, or putting it in the back of a truck and tying all four legs to the sides of the bed. Yes, I have seen these in real life. No, I'm not lying. 

This is hard for me to admit, but I missed a once in a lifetime opportunity. I was in Namatala the other day and passed a herd of cows standing on and around a trash pile. Now this isn't anything out of the ordinary except that when I looked again I noticed that one of the cows was on the very top of the dumpster, holding its head high and observing its kingdom. You have to understand that there is a huge mound of trash on the ground, a dumpster on top of that, and another large pile of trash on top of the dumpster. The cow was on top of the pile of trash in the dumpster. He was king. And I missed the photo opp. I will live with regret for the rest of my life.

On a slighlty more serious note, Emily and I have been working on getting our home ready for the team that is coming in May. I am really pleased with how it is looking and I am so excited to host my friends and family in it!

We are both very excited about some new things happening in I Choose You and our plans for the time we have with the team. I can't wait to share more with you!

Now you have a glimpse of the past month or so! I promise I will try not to take this long to write again. 

Love yall!

~ Callie

Praises!

You know those sink or swim moments in life? We have been having quite a few of those around our home lately. A lot has happened and it has been stressful and emotionally and physically exhausting. Praise God for his mercy and grace in our time of need. Praise God for his wisdom and love. Praise God for his blessings in the midst of great trial. 

While I have had to take on quite a few new roles and a bit more stress lately, God has been faithful to provide friends to help take care of me. It is such a blessing to have friends that can and will stand in the gap for me when I need it. Sometimes I don't even have to ask. 

Today was one of those days that could have been awful and completely draining, but wasn't because of good friends that took over and handled things for me when I most needed it. I am so thankful for the way I was taken care of today. God is so good to provide in my time of need. 

Let's praise God today for who He is. Let's praise Him for loving us. Let's praise Him for saving us. Let's praise Him for his mercy and grace and countless blessings!

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in. Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for The Lord!" (Psalm 27:1-14 ESV)

Sin

Sin. 

No one can escape it. There was only, and will only ever be, one man that managed to live a life completely free of it. (Ecclesiastes 7:20, 1 John 1:8, Romans 3:10, 2 Corinthians 5:21, 1 Peter 2:22)

No matter what it is. The very first sin you commit separates you from God. (James 2:10, Romans 3:23)

The way back to God can't be earned.  

Take that in. 

There is NOTHING YOU CAN DO. 

Devastating? 

No! Just the opposite. God is so loving that he sent the way to us freely. 

Freely. 

Now take that in!

The way back to God is completely free. 

His name is Jesus. (John 3:16, John 14:6, Romans 10: 9-10, Romans 1:16, Romans 6:23)

Now if all of our sin separates us from God and the only way back for all of us is Jesus why do we judge, label and condemn? 

Have you ever been in a situation where you desperately needed someone to hold their tongue? You knew what they had every right to say but hoped that they would choose to speak love and life instead? 

I have. I'm sure I'm not alone. 

Grace. Mercy. 

They are precious things. 

If Christ can extend it to us shouldn't we extend it to others? 

The God of the universe finds it in himself to forgive our sins with amazing grace and mercy. 

Who are we to not do the same?! (Matt. 6:14-15, Mark 11:25, Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:12-14)

I have found myself and the people around me in situations in desperate need of grace and mercy lately. I've had moments where I needed someone to speak life and love instead of what we were all thinking, and what I surely deserved. 

I've seen the effects of careless words and harsh reactions about the mere prospect that someone had sinned. 

Are we so great that we can't humble ourselves the way that Jesus did to forgive and speak life to someone in need? 

Lord let me never forget how disgusting of a sinner I am. Let me never forget that it is only by the blood of Jesus that I will be able to stand clean in front of you at the end of my days. 

Friends, can we make an effort to remember that we have all sinned and are in need of forgiveness? Surely some sin will be more apparent than others and the effects of sin may show differently in all of us. But let us never forget that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  

Not only the drunk. 

Not only the unwed mother. 

Not only the prostitute. 

Not only the thief.

Not only the murderer. 

Not only the abusive. 

But all. 

Me. 

You. 

All have sinned and fall short. 

Thank you Jesus for the cross. Thank you for your blood that covers sin. Thank you for the amazing gift of grace that I could never earn or deserve. 

Thank you Lord!

Note** Please do not hear this as an excuse for sin. The worst thing I could do is make you feel like you have an excuse or free pass to sin. Sin is horrible. It separates us from God. The bible is clear that without true repentance we will not inherit the kingdom of God. If you are struggling with sin the bible is clear that confession and repentance are required of us. Confess your sin to God and to a brother or sister in Christ that can hold you accountable. Then repent of that sin. Turn completely away from it and with the power of Christ leave it behind. No you will not be perfect in this but the bible is clear that to continue to sin in the same way can lead to being handed over to that sin which can lead to serious consequences. Through prayer, accountability, and the power of the Holy Spirit you can turn from sin and we should all strive to flee from it daily. Let's lift each other up and encourage each other to turn from our sin. Not condemn each other. 

Comments are always welcome. Discussion is great, division is not. Let's encourage one another here please!