Letting Go

"You've brought me to the end of myself

This has been the longest road

Just when my hallelujah was tired

You gave me a new song

I'm letting go

I'm letting go

I'm letting go

Falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes

But perfect love comes rushing in

And all the lies screamed inside go silent

The moment You begin

I'm letting go

I'm letting go

I'm letting go

Falling into You

You remind me

Of things forgotten

You unwind me

Until I'm totally undone

And with Your arms around me

Fear was no match for Your love

Now You've won me

And if I lived a thousand lifetimes

And wrote a song for every day

Still there would be no way to say

How You have loved me

Oh, how You love me

And that's how You've won me"

Letting Go - Steffany Gretzinger

I have this song on repeat these days. In fact the whole album sounds like she watched the last year of my life and then wrote a bunch of songs about it!

My Hallelujah was tired y'all. In fact, tired is an understatement. 2014 was brutal. I experienced loss and pain in ways I never could have expected. I shut down for a while and needed some help finding my way back out of the waters. 

Praise God for his kindness and provision! I was introduced to a counselor that I absolutely love that walked with me through a lot of soul searching and digging deep. I'm a work in progress (aren't we all?) but The Lord has reminded me of so many things that I had forgotten. 

In all of the digging I took a look at myself and saw all of my filth. I also saw all of the striving and performing that I have done to try to cover it up in hopes that God (and everyone else) somehow wouldn't notice that I wasn't worthy of love. I saw the shame that held me in captivity and the lies that the enemy used as shackles. Shame that told me that I was wrong and that I was the problem. Lies that said that I needed to work harder and be better in order to have any hope at all. Lies that told me that if the people around me didn't have it perfectly together too then they were holding me back. As if anyone ever really has it together. Whatever that means. 

The other day I was talking to a sweet new friend and she reminded me of Ephesians 2. That all of us were dead in our transgressions. That there is nothing any of us can do to be made right with God. "4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved." "8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- 9 not by works, so that no one can boast."

Because of his great love for us... 

I'm learning that I am worthy of love. Not because I'm perfect. Not because I work so hard and I'm always so sweet, and I never do anything wrong. I'm worthy of Love because My Father says so. Praise you Lord!

Even when we were dead in transgressions... 

All of us. Dead because of our filth. Even then he loved us and chose to save us. 

This is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God...

I can't perform my way into being saved or being loved. It isn't from me. It's from Him. Amen!

Oh the freedom I could have if I chose to operate in this truth every single day! To extend compassion, grace, and love to myself when I mess up because I know that is what Jesus does. To do the same for the people around me.

I love the rest of the song. I do still get scared sometimes, but his perfect love silences the lies when I allow it to. Fear is no match for His love. 

As I return to Uganda I pray that The Lord would continue to show me this truth and teach me to live in it. I pray that I would be used to tell others of this truth as well. I pray that this season I have come out of would become part of the story of how God is using me. 

Lord there is no way to say how you have loved me. Thank you. 

Trusting God With Finances

Posts like this are never easy to write. It would be so nice to never have to ask people for money but as a missionary that is just not the reality. I have gone back and forth about what to write and how honest to be. I was encouraged today to share from my heart and to be honest about where I am at with my finances, so that is what I am going to do. I believe in being faithful in the small things, in doing what is within your power to do, and trusting God to be mighty and faithful with the rest. So I have decided to do what I can do and leave the rest up to God. Sharing this information is not easy for me. It makes me feel vulnerable more than just about anything else can!

I bought a plane ticket about a month ago on total faith that the money would come in. I only had enough for half of the plane ticket in my account at the time, and it was such a sweet blessing from the Lord that some very generous people stepped in to provide the rest. (If you haven't heard the story feel free to scroll down and read, "The story behind the plane ticket!") I got busy writing support letters and sending them out. About 300 letters later and a couple talks at church, here I am waiting for responses and for God to provide.

I had a bit of a breakdown today. For a while a steady stream of support letters were coming back to me and I wasn't worrying at all. Then they stopped. Today I just couldn't hold in all of the fear and worry anymore. One of my best friends called me to say hi and could tell I wasn't ok. She asked me what was going on and the floodgates opened. I'm so thankful for this sweet friend and the truth and prayers she spoke over me today. Sometimes it can all feel like too much.

I have raised about 25% of my monthly commitment support goal so far. I have had some sweet supporters give one time gifts too. If I were to look at the short term picture, January to June, I'm about half way to my goal with monthly commitments and one time donations combined. If I were to look at the long term goal, having a sending family that supports me monthly, I am only 25% of the way to being fully funded long term.

If I'm honest, this terrifies me! I leave in 21 days! My flesh wants the security of being fully funded. I know that God will provide and that I do not need to worry, but I still struggle daily with wanting to know when I will be funded and where the money will come from. I know that God will open the eyes and hearts of supporters, but my human nature worries that people are tired of giving. I'm fighting off lies from the enemy that tell me I can't trust God to come through for me financially.

But I know the truth!

I know that God is Faithful. (2 Tim 2:13)

I know that He alone provides for all of my needs. (Phil 4:19, Mat 6:30)

I know that God is for me, and not against me! (Rom 8:28-32)

I'm holding onto these wonderful truths and doing what I can do today. Will you pray with me? Will you give if the Lord puts it on your heart to give? Will you come alongside me by sharing this post, telling your friends, connecting me to people that have a heart to give, sharing fundraising ideas with me, or whatever it is that the Lord places on your heart to do?

I need about $2500 to feel secure for January - June. I need about 35 more people to come alongside me as a member of my sending family giving $30 a month in order to be fully funded long term. These are big goals! I know that The Lord will provide. Will you respond if you feel Him leading your heart to give? I am so thankful for your sacrifice.

I can't wait to share the story of how the Lord made a way. Will you be part of it?!



For information on giving, hover your mouse over "More" at the top left of the screen and then click on "Donations". Thank you!!

Baby!!!

Last night when I wrote November 20th I was only counting on today being hard because of the should have beens. I wasn't expecting to wake up to news that one of my very best Ugandan friends had her baby!!!

I am bursting with happiness and pain all at once right now guys. I don't even know what to do with myself! 

Look at that precious face!!! 

I have no idea if it's a boy or a girl. She told me she was having a girl, but my (amazing) friends that got the call that the baby was here told me she said it was a boy. I'm not even going to pay attention to the pink the baby is wearing. This is Uganda. That means nothing. Regardless, I am so unbelievably happy for this mama and her family!!! 

I want to be there so badly. I want to hug my sweet friend and look her in the eyes and tell her, "Well done!" She made it. The baby is here now. And beautiful! So beautiful. 

I want to hold that baby and tell him or her that they have a mama that loves them with a fierce love and an Auntie Callie that will kiss their face off every day from here on out. EVERY DAY. (So many kisses kid. Get ready!) 

I'm feeling all the feels today. Give me grace if you see me and I look like a crazy woman. I don't know what to do with myself right now. Jesus give me peace and calm. Let this time until I return to Uganda go quickly, but be spent well with the ones I love. 

November 20th

It's here. November 20th is tomorrow and nothing is as it should have been.

By now I'm sure you know that my teammates and I were brought home from Uganda early by our ministry due to fear of a terrorist group that was in the capital city. I've written about coming home a little bit. It's strange, when I first got home I was numb, but I had faith. Strong faith. Faith that my God who called me to this place I love, this place I had been abruptly taken out of, would carry me back. I was completely empty except for the knowledge of the promise that my God is who He says He is, and He says He is faithful. That was the only place I could land when I got home. Sitting in numbness but clinging to that faith with every ounce of my being. I couldn't be angry or sad. I couldn't get mad and have it out with God. That was too scary. I needed him to be faithful. I needed to still be in his good graces. I needed to cling to that faith in order to even be able to function.

I am so thankful that my first reaction wasn't to go off on God, but I have to admit that I had ulterior motives for my faith.

I wanted to go back to Uganda. I needed to be able to say "God is faithful! He will make a way!" because the alternative was hopelessness and fear. So I cried a little, but then told myself to cheer up, God is faithful.

Here it is. November 20th. If things had gone to plan I would be sorting last minute details for my house, about to get in the van to drive to the airport. I would be crying. A lot. But I would be saying "I'll see you soon!" with every tear filled goodbye. This goodbye would have been planned. I would have been prepared. The loose ends would have been mostly tied up and I would have gotten the closure I needed. Instead I'm here in Texas, wondering if the people I left without saying goodbye will ever forgive me.

It's funny that this is the week I would have been saying goodbye. This is also the week I finally broke down. The past few weeks have been building up to this. I knew it was coming. I tried to put it away again, but my loving father told me no this time.

Last week I wrote a blog about how I got a plane ticket. (If you haven't read it you need to! It's a great story of the church stepping up to be what God created it to be.) Getting a plane ticket was amazing, wonderful, perfect, and all of the other warm fuzzy words you can think of. Best. Day. Ever! It also was the day I unclenched my fists just enough for the flood to be released. That grip I had on faith could be loosened a bit because I was going back. That facade of strength that I put on wasn't needed anymore. I bought a ticket.

The three of us that were evacuated early were asked to see a counselor at the church when we returned. I love counseling. I think it is good and important and everyone should do it. It is hard to make the first move, but it is so worth it. So I have been seeing a counselor. My tight grip on faith caused us to take a detour for a while. We talked about and worked through a lot of personal areas without getting very far into the whole evacuation thing. I was good as far as that went. Until this week. Tuesday November 18th, the day I most likely would have been saying a lot of sad goodbyes had things gone to plan, was the day the grief hit me.

I was sitting there with my counselor and all of the sudden the tears and the words were pouring out of me. The implications of that day hit me like a freight train all over again. I was hearing an angry voice coming out of me as I told her about things I thought I had let go of a long time ago. I was mad. I was hurt. I was confused. I was worried. I was tired... So tired.

Those tears I had put away have resurfaced. I'm a mess. Every minute carries a new emotion, another fear.

I still have faith. I still believe that God is who He says He is, and He says He is faithful. I just know now that I can believe all of that and be angry about the way things happened at the same time. God will still be good. He will still call me His child even if I have to question him and wrestle with this.

I like to tell people, "Be who you need to be, God can handle your mess."

I'm finally taking my own advice.

November 20th probably won't be pretty this year. I'm alright with that. My emotions will be all over the place. I'll be celebrating my plane ticket and the arrival of Natalie, as well as mourning the way things should have been.

God is still good. He is still faithful, and not just because I have a plane ticket. I do not understand why things happened the way they did and I probably never will, but today I'm going to let my mess show and let my father handle it.

The story behind the plane ticket!

I posted a couple days ago that I bought a plane ticket (Hallelujah, praise Jesus!!!) but I haven't had any time to sit down and blog about how I ended up buying the plane ticket when I did. 

My parents have always been very supportive of the three of us kids and our independence. They know we love the Lord and allow us to choose where we worship from. Recently I began attending a new church. The choice to attend a different church was made for various reasons but I assure you it has nothing to do with me not loving Hays Hills. Hays Hills is my home church. My heart is there. Those people helped raise me! I met Jesus, fell in love with Jesus, and was encouraged and supported to follow Jesus to the ends of the earth from Hays Hills. I love that church! 

The new church I have been attending has a fairly large group of young singles, and I attend a small group with them. It has been really cool getting to know each other since everyone is fairly new to the area. We are all learning how to do missional community together and it has been a lot of fun. 

Tuesday night we were talking about the description of the church in Acts 2:42-47 and how to live that out. Afterwards we had a time of prayer. Since it was a smaller group and there were a lot of people I feel comfortable with, I had the courage to tell the group that the past few weeks have been really hard for me. I miss my people in Uganda and the uncertainty of exactly when I was going to return was making it harder. They prayed for me and encouraged me and we left. That simple act of prayer and their encouraging words gave me the courage to look up flights that night after I got home and I found an awesome deal. 

The flight was a bargain but it only had 4 seats left. I had about half of what I needed to pay for the ticket but knew that if I didn't raise the money for the rest soon I was going to lose that option. At about 11pm Tuesday I sent a text to four of the girls I'm closest to in the group and asked them to pray for the situation. I believe in the power of prayer and I wanted these people praying with me for this! I never expected any of them to give any money at all. 

I just wanted these girls to be praying with me, but before I knew it they had decided I needed to buy the ticket before I lost the price. One of them sent me a text that said "Get the seat!!! I'll figure out a way to give/raise $500. I can put the whole thing on my card if u need me to....and u can get me the part u have when u can..."  

After I read that my heart stopped. I had no idea what to say. That offer felt far to generous, but as someone who relies on the generosity of others to do the work that I do, I know that you don't say no to generous offers! I just sat there for a while trying to figure out what the appropriate response was. Then one by one the other girls sent messages saying they would contribute with the amount they were giving. Before I could even say anything the money I lacked was spoken for! 

I have a plane ticket!!! I have a plane ticket that was purchased on the card of a woman that I've only known for about a month. These people showed me what the church should be. They loved me well and went above and beyond to meet a need that I had. I am in awe of what God does in his people. I'm in awe of what the love of Christ brings His church to do. I am so humbled and so grateful. 

I have experienced the church the way God intended it to be so many times since choosing to follow him to Uganda. People from my home church, Hays Hills have given so much over the years. My family has committed to sacrificial monthly giving. My friends have rallied around me in unbelievable ways. I'm in awe. I am so humbled. I am so undeserving. Thank you. Thank you so much!

I've said it before but I'll say it again- I don't like having to ask for money. It's hard and it definitely isn't fun. The selfless giving that I continue to receive from all of you does my heart good. This plane ticket and the way the Lord provided for it will always be in my book as one of the ways the Lord has proven his faithfulness to me. Thank you lord! And thank you church for being selfless and obedient.

I have a plane ticket!!!!! :-D 

 

P.S.

I'll be asking for more money in the coming weeks. Unfortunately. Part of the missionary life is living off of support. I am praying that God would put monthly giving on the hearts of the people I'll be talking to. It is a hope and prayer of mine to have a family of supporters that commit to giving monthly so that the next time I return home I don't have to start all over like I have these past few times. Would you be praying with me and for me? If the Lord lays it on your heart to give monthly I would be so grateful for your obedience. If not I will be just as thankful for your prayers! 

Because I can! :-)

I'm going to tell you about some of my kids today. Because I can! No really, I get to do this and by now I've already sucked you in so you're going to read the rest of this because you just HAVE to know what I'm going to say. I know. You're welcome.

Ana

I'll start with this little princess since I'm sure you have seen her pictures and all my facebook posts. What can I say? She is my baby girl! She is a princess, a diva, and she is so smart. She shares my number one love language, which means we get lots of cuddle time and she loves to give kisses! She is stubborn and independent but loves attention. She is a nurturer so you can find her feeding her baby, telling me when and what to eat and drink, and saving her friends lives. (Yes, there is a story behind that one. I'll find the video and write a blog about it soon!) Basically she's pretty awesome. 

Did I mention she's a princess?! And oh so cute. :-)

Chede

This picture pretty much sums it up. She is my little ham. She's funny and she knows it! Also bossy just like her Mzungu mama! Usually the first thing out of her mouth when she sees me is, "I want to to go to the swimming pool!" She has a huge heart and she mothers (or bosses!) everyone. She is so smart and she's very proud of her school work. I have loved seeing her grow up! Sometimes I look at pictures from when I first met her and I can't believe how much she has changed and grown! Love this girl. 

Solomon

Can you say precious?! Solomon is friendly. I don't know how else to describe this kid. He is pretty easy going, but he can still hold his own around his sisters. This kid has some lungs on him. He can scream for days, and he will if he isn't getting the attention he wants! I hear he has started standing on his own and should be walking soon! I get the feeling he is going to be a handful when he's fully mobile! Look out world. 

Alepele 

Beautiful girl. She is a joy to be around. She takes a while to warm up to people sometimes, but when she does she loves completely. She is such a faithful caretaker to her siblings. Alepele starts school in February and she is so excited. I am too! I can't wait to see what the future holds for this strong little girl. I also can't wait to be able to have longer conversations with her as her english improves! Once I asked her if she was my first born and she looked at me like I was stupid. Then she laughed and said yes to make me happy. :-) Sweet girl. Bless her. 

Teko Brian

Look out ladies! This guy is so handsome. And he has the brains too! He is number one in his class and he intends to stay there. He wants to be a pilot someday, and fly me around of course. (Ok, maybe he didn't say that exactly, but he meant to, I promise.) He is a little quiet at first but he is so much fun once he warms up to you. He loves playing soccer and hanging out with his friends in Namatala. This is one cool kid! Looking smart Teko!


Well this is enough for today. Stay tuned for more cool people and maybe a video about Ana saving her friend's life. Have a fabulous weekend y'all!

I lost my joy

I lost my joy. I know people aren't really supposed to say that. Especially missionaries. So it may make you uncomfortable, but I'm ok with that. 

I wasn't honest with myself about it for a while. I just know I woke up one day and realized that all of these little individual things that had gone wrong and made me unhappy were part of a much larger problem. 

I realized I had lost my joy. Joy and happiness are not the same thing. Joy sustains. Happiness is fleeting and deceiving. I knew this. I've known this for years. I'm a missionary! I'm supposed to know this and never ever forget it. Heaven forbid people find out I'm not perfect because I admit I lost my joy. 

James 1:2-4 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (ESV)

This is practically the missionary anthem. 

Count it pure joy when nothing works the way it is supposed to because, TIA. 

Count it pure joy when you can't get anything done due to language barriers. 

Count it pure joy when you lose an entire weeks worth of work because of rain. 

Count it pure joy when the people God sent you to turn their backs on you and accuse you of things you know nothing about. 

Count it pure joy when all of your friends move away. 

Count it pure joy when you are the friend leaving unexpectedly without a proper goodbye. 

At some point our joy gets lost in all the hard if we forget where that joy comes from or neglect The One that gives it freely. 

For me, it was a lack of Gods living and active word in my life. 

I wasn't in the word to be reminded that, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." (James 1:5-6 ESV) 

I wasn't in the word to be reminded that even Paul had a thorn in his flesh. Or to understand that God chose not to remove that thorn but to give his sufficient grace instead. Oh if I had stopped to take that in. His grace is enough. It's something I say a lot. I know this truth. But the temptation to believe the lie that God's grace was for someone else grew too strong when I wasn't in the word to read the truth. (2 Corinthians 12)

Not only did I lose the ability to accept the grace extended to me freely, but eventually I started forgetting how we received that grace altogether. 

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:1-10 ESV)

What a thing to forget. It's devastating what a lack of truth in our lives can do. We rob ourselves of our joy when we disconnect ourselves from The One who loves us with a fierce love. The One that supplies and sustains our joy. 

Praise God for his relentless love and pursuance of our hearts. 

I was in a really dark place y'all. I believe that God used me despite myself in this time, but I know I missed out on so much. I know I don't have to share this story. Some might even say I shouldn't have. But I believe that God can and will use it for His glory. That's worth the risk for me. 

I returned to the word. I returned to The One who holds my joy, and I found it in nail pierced hands waiting to receive me with love, mercy, and grace. 

Return today friend. He is waiting for you with those same hands.