Most of you know that I have been struggling with my life direction since I have been home from Uganda. I am very pleased to announce that I have good news!!!
After endless nights praying and practically begging the Lord to show me what to do and when to go etc. I finally feel like I have an answer. In fact I know I have an answer. Begin.
It was as if the light bulb just clicked one day (aka the Lord spoke to me) and all of my questions about going and doing and what that meant were answered. Begin. Begin fundraising. Begin planning. Begin preparing my heart. Begin praying relentlessly for every aspect of this trip. Begin enjoying the things about being home that I will miss when I'm gone, without complaining. Begin, with my actions, trusting that the Lord is faithful and that He did not bring me this far to leave me.
So with all of this beginning I have some very real, very humbling, things to do. The most humbling of all is to begin asking for help. I have to say that when it comes to fundraising I feel a bit bipolar. I absolutely HATE the beginning of the process. Writing letters and sending them knowing that I am asking for people to give me money is very, very, painful. However, after I am obedient to do so, it is amazing to watch the body of Christ respond! Let me just say that God is faithful and His children are generous!!! I am always amazed at the Lords timing and the selfless giving from my friends and family.
The next couple weeks are going to be spent writing and re-writing my support letter until I cannot bear to look at it anymore. Then sending entirely too many letters, through snail mail, and praying praying praying for The Lord to do what He does best and come through! If you don't mind praying with me I would appreciate it so much!
This thing just got real. I'm excited!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
A breath of fresh air!
I received a phone call from a sweet new friend last night that really gave me encouragement and a breath of fresh air! It was wonderful to be able to talk to her and just know that she knows how my heart feels. It was also nice to hear that I am not alone in some of the things I went through/am going through/will go through. I walked away from our conversation feeling refreshed and ready to go. This time I actually feel like I know what I need to be doing!
Lets take a couple steps back...
After my last blog post I got an email from Patti, my wonderful step mom, that was so sweet and encouraging. She basically reminded me that God calls us and directs us in the middle of what we are doing. I know this to be true. I had a plan when God directed me to Uganda. I even had a plan about Uganda! (one that did NOT involve falling in love and hearing the call from God to be there long term, I might add.) Then in the middle of all my plans God redirected me, and by choosing his plans, he set me on a new path. Now I am on this new path and I'm not quite sure what the next move is. So I have two choices: I can just stop moving all together out of fear that I'll be moving in the wrong direction, or I can continue moving and "doing" until I hear the voice of God directing or redirecting me again. When I look at those options it becomes crystal clear. Keep moving!
Last night in conversation with this friend I realized that the time God is giving me here is going to be time I cherish once I'm away. It is also time that God does not want me to waste! This is preparation time! In dance, a good preparation is completely necessary in order for whatever jump, leap, or turn you are doing to be successful. I know that applies to life as well. A good preparation is necessary for every season of life. It is not time to be wasted.
So where does this leave me in terms of real life?
Well first of all, I need to keep looking for a job that glorifies the lord and not let myself get discouraged by the amount of time it takes to find one. God always provides. I have found this to be true every time I am put to the test.
Second, If God is leading me to serve him long term in Uganda then I need to be preparing for that! So the preparation begins in every aspect now.
Last, I have decided to cherish the time I have here now. Not passively, but actively cherish the time I have here. I know there will be days down the road that I will miss this terribly. So I will be present and joyful in every moment God keeps me here.
How can you help? I thought you would never ask! First and foremost please continue to keep me in your prayers! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and appreciate all the prayer I can get! Then, if you feel led to help financially, contact me! This isn't restricted to personally giving a donation. If you would like to help me network with people that are interested in giving, or organize a benefit night etc., that would be helpful as well! Just contact me at callie.r.eacret@gmail.com.
Lets take a couple steps back...
After my last blog post I got an email from Patti, my wonderful step mom, that was so sweet and encouraging. She basically reminded me that God calls us and directs us in the middle of what we are doing. I know this to be true. I had a plan when God directed me to Uganda. I even had a plan about Uganda! (one that did NOT involve falling in love and hearing the call from God to be there long term, I might add.) Then in the middle of all my plans God redirected me, and by choosing his plans, he set me on a new path. Now I am on this new path and I'm not quite sure what the next move is. So I have two choices: I can just stop moving all together out of fear that I'll be moving in the wrong direction, or I can continue moving and "doing" until I hear the voice of God directing or redirecting me again. When I look at those options it becomes crystal clear. Keep moving!
Last night in conversation with this friend I realized that the time God is giving me here is going to be time I cherish once I'm away. It is also time that God does not want me to waste! This is preparation time! In dance, a good preparation is completely necessary in order for whatever jump, leap, or turn you are doing to be successful. I know that applies to life as well. A good preparation is necessary for every season of life. It is not time to be wasted.
So where does this leave me in terms of real life?
Well first of all, I need to keep looking for a job that glorifies the lord and not let myself get discouraged by the amount of time it takes to find one. God always provides. I have found this to be true every time I am put to the test.
Second, If God is leading me to serve him long term in Uganda then I need to be preparing for that! So the preparation begins in every aspect now.
Last, I have decided to cherish the time I have here now. Not passively, but actively cherish the time I have here. I know there will be days down the road that I will miss this terribly. So I will be present and joyful in every moment God keeps me here.
How can you help? I thought you would never ask! First and foremost please continue to keep me in your prayers! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and appreciate all the prayer I can get! Then, if you feel led to help financially, contact me! This isn't restricted to personally giving a donation. If you would like to help me network with people that are interested in giving, or organize a benefit night etc., that would be helpful as well! Just contact me at callie.r.eacret@gmail.com.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Umm...?
Umm...? That's how I've been feeling. some people ask the question "How do you know when God is speaking or calling you to something?" I've been there. I have asked that question. In fact, I've wrestled with it quite a bit. I came out in the other side realizing that it's never exactly the same. God has plans and I firmly believe that he speaks to us in ways that will most glorify himself in those plans. That being said, I'm at a completely different question now. How do I "go" without a clear destination? Here is what I know for sure:
1) God has placed a love and a longing for the people and the country of Uganda in my heart. I do believe, without a doubt, that God has plans for me in Uganda.
2) God does not want me in Uganda right now. That one is a little more complicated. But I know that I am supposed to be in the states right now so here I am!
3) God does NOT want me just wasting time while I'm here. I know that I can't just find "fillers" for my time until God says I can go back to Uganda. That applies to my job, my relationships, etc. I need to be fully here while I am here.
4) God is very clearly calling me to "go." I know that He wants me to get moving and I'm ready to just start walking until I find what he has for me but I don't even feel a nudge in the right direction!
So how does one "go" when they don't know where they are going? I would love to hear what you have to think about this! (I know I'm going out on a limb here thinking that anyone other than my best friends and my mom actually read this blog. Haha) leave a comment with what you think it looks like to just "go" even if it's unclear what the destination is.
Thanks! -Callie
P.S. Since I wrote this blog a little bit has changed. I had been searching job ads on Craigslist and came across an ad for a job at a children's home in Austin. This was the first time I had felt like God was saying "There! Go there!" so I applied! I haven't heard back yet and I would appreciate your prayers! I want what God wants for me so just pray that His will be done. I really do think this opportunity would be amazing but I know that His plans are ALWAYS best. Thanks!
1) God has placed a love and a longing for the people and the country of Uganda in my heart. I do believe, without a doubt, that God has plans for me in Uganda.
2) God does not want me in Uganda right now. That one is a little more complicated. But I know that I am supposed to be in the states right now so here I am!
3) God does NOT want me just wasting time while I'm here. I know that I can't just find "fillers" for my time until God says I can go back to Uganda. That applies to my job, my relationships, etc. I need to be fully here while I am here.
4) God is very clearly calling me to "go." I know that He wants me to get moving and I'm ready to just start walking until I find what he has for me but I don't even feel a nudge in the right direction!
So how does one "go" when they don't know where they are going? I would love to hear what you have to think about this! (I know I'm going out on a limb here thinking that anyone other than my best friends and my mom actually read this blog. Haha) leave a comment with what you think it looks like to just "go" even if it's unclear what the destination is.
Thanks! -Callie
P.S. Since I wrote this blog a little bit has changed. I had been searching job ads on Craigslist and came across an ad for a job at a children's home in Austin. This was the first time I had felt like God was saying "There! Go there!" so I applied! I haven't heard back yet and I would appreciate your prayers! I want what God wants for me so just pray that His will be done. I really do think this opportunity would be amazing but I know that His plans are ALWAYS best. Thanks!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Chicken Pox
Amaza died of chicken pox. It seems crazy to me. I remember when I had chicken pox. Of course it was uncomfortable but the little red spots were silly and after a few days it was over. I won't pretend that I know why it wasn't that way for Amaza, I'm obviously not a doctor. Somehow Amaza's little body just couldn't handle the chicken pox. I've been told that the rest of the 10 kids have chicken pox as well.
I really don't know what else to say. Honestly my brain can't wrap around this. There is so much that I don't know. I don't know how sick the other kids are. I don't know who holds and comforts those sweet babies that just lost a brother and are hurting physically as well. I don't know who holds and comforts the mother that just lost her son and has 9 other sick children to care for and worry about. I don't know what I would do or feel if I were in her shoes.
But I do know one thing. One thing that will never change.
God is holding every single one of those kids. God is holding that mom. God is holding all of us, and He loves us. We are exactly where we need to be in the arms of the savior.
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38, 39 ESV)
That is what I know. That is what I am holding onto. That is a promise!
I really don't know what else to say. Honestly my brain can't wrap around this. There is so much that I don't know. I don't know how sick the other kids are. I don't know who holds and comforts those sweet babies that just lost a brother and are hurting physically as well. I don't know who holds and comforts the mother that just lost her son and has 9 other sick children to care for and worry about. I don't know what I would do or feel if I were in her shoes.
But I do know one thing. One thing that will never change.
God is holding every single one of those kids. God is holding that mom. God is holding all of us, and He loves us. We are exactly where we need to be in the arms of the savior.
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38, 39 ESV)
That is what I know. That is what I am holding onto. That is a promise!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
In the arms of Jesus
I don't want to write this blog but I need to.
Amaza, the little boy that we put in the hospital because he was malnourished, is in the arms of Jesus today. I don't know much except that he was in the hospital when he died. I'm trying to find out more information but it may take a while. Please pray for this family. Please pray for our team. Please pray for our hearts. Amaza is in better hands now. He is free and healthy and whole in heaven today and he doesn't need our prayers or our tears. However, he left behind a family that loves and misses him. They do need our prayers. They need to be comforted by the only one who has the power to heal this heartache.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around this still. When we left the report was that he was doing better. Now he has left us to be with Jesus. Thank you for the prayers and support. Please keep praying.
Amaza, the little boy that we put in the hospital because he was malnourished, is in the arms of Jesus today. I don't know much except that he was in the hospital when he died. I'm trying to find out more information but it may take a while. Please pray for this family. Please pray for our team. Please pray for our hearts. Amaza is in better hands now. He is free and healthy and whole in heaven today and he doesn't need our prayers or our tears. However, he left behind a family that loves and misses him. They do need our prayers. They need to be comforted by the only one who has the power to heal this heartache.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around this still. When we left the report was that he was doing better. Now he has left us to be with Jesus. Thank you for the prayers and support. Please keep praying.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Saying Goodbye
I can't believe the last thing I wrote about was Tom. That seems like it was so long ago. Tom is doing well now. When we left he was back at home and beginning to move around. We even got a smile out of him a couple times, and we both got to hug/hold him before we left. I had really hoped to see a fully recovered Tom before we left but I know that he is in God's hands and there is no better place for him to be. (I keep saying that. It's the truth and it's something I need to be reminded of on a daily basis.)
The last few days were filled with tying up loose ends, (as much as we could) and enjoying the time we had left in Uganda. We checked on old wounds and finished cleaning some of the newer ones. We took every opportunity available to love on the kids in ichooseyou and the kids in Namatala. We tried to better understand where some of the people are coming from and how they ended up in the situation they are in. I finally can say that if you put me somewhere in town and told me to find my way back to mama's house I could do it. It may take me a while, but I could do it.
Saying goodbye was so much harder than I ever could have imagined. To be honest, in some cases I just didn't do it. I couldn't. On our last Sunday it was extremely hard for me to focus in church. Lord forgive me but I couldn't help but look around the whole time and try to take it all in one last time before we left. Church was extra long that last Sunday. We sang for well over an hour. Both times. Ha ha. While we were singing I was soaking it in. Trying to remember how it sounds and what it felt like so that I would have that memory to go back to on days like today when I just want a little piece of Uganda again. During Sunday school I held Chede and just watched the kids. I loved seeing the joy on their faces and the love they have for the Lord. I couldn't help but notice how the ichooseyou kids have this extra sparkle in their eyes that is unmistakeably hope. As I looked around and saw all of the children, ichooseyou or not, I saw the need of the people and I saw Jesus. I hope that every single person in this world gets the opportunity to look into the face of a child in need and see the love of our savior. I have had the blessing of seeing that love in hundreds of little precious Ugandan faces and it is priceless. After church, It was time to say goodbye. There was one goodbye in particular that I had been dreading and I knew I had to do it. Elizabeth came and found me and we went to find Teko together to explain that I was leaving. He didn't say anything when she told him, he just looked at me with those big beautiful eyes and held onto me very tightly. I cried and held him and told him that I loved him and I was coming back and to do well in school and trust the Lord and do the right thing always. I knew he didn't understand me but I couldn't help it. I tried to look at him long enough to get the picture of his face clearly engraved in my mind. I wanted to squeeze him tight and not let go but I felt like his tiny little frame would break in my arms if I hugged him too hard. I knew that holding on would only make letting go harder so I said I love you one last time and then said goodbye. Just before we left I got to hold our sweet little miracle baby, Loru, and kiss his face off. I know he was only letting me hold him because I have blond hair like his Mzungu Kady does but I liked it anyways. After I put him down and said goodbye to his family we went back to mama's house. We had lunch and rested a while then decided it was now or never. It was time to go into Namatala and say our goodbye's there. I don't even know what to say about this part except that it was hard. Very hard. There is something about walking through Namatala for the last time and having a chorus of children chanting "mzungu" behind you for the last time. There is something about smelling home made alcohol and immediately praying against the alcoholism that infects the lives of the people of Namatala for the last time. It was hard and overwhelming. Not to mention having to say goodbye to the people and the children that we grew to love while we were there. Saying goodbye to Chede and her family was awful. At first it seemed like she didn't understand, and honestly it would have been easier that way. I had brought a few pictures of us together from last year so that I could find her easily. I already have these pictures at home and didn't need the ones with me so I decided to give them to her so that she would remember me. When I handed them to her she lit up! She loved them and she couldn't stop looking at them. Then after a while something happened, something clicked and she looked back at me and I knew she understood that I was leaving. She started crying and I started crying and for a moment I didn't think I was going to be able to make myself leave. We took pictures of me with her family and I held her and kissed her and we said "I love you" to each other over and over. She kissed my cheek and I thought I was going to die. Finally I looked at Paul, Kristyn, and Glenn and told them that if we didn't leave right then I wasn't ever going to leave. I put a crying Chede down and walked very quickly back to the car crying. Kristyn still needed to say goodbye to Masse and we both wanted to see tom and the rest of the family before we left so we headed that direction. I honestly don't know how to describe what happened there. Irene, the sibling that is in ichooseyou, wouldn't come say goodbye. She couldn't stop crying and I guess she didn't want to be crying when she said goodbye. Kristyn and I both tried to get her to look at us and give us a hug but it didn't really work. (we got half hugs) Then Kristyn took pictures with the family, said goodbye to Masse and we left. We both cried all the way home. About 45 minutes after we got home we got a call from Paul. Irene had walked all the way to Mama's house and he had found her outside the gate. He couldn't get her to go home and it was dark so he asked us to help. We went out there and gave her real hugs and then she agreed to go home. Paul walked her most of the way home so that she would be safe. Kristyn and I love Irene and did spend a lot of time with her because of Tom getting sick and the ichooseyou homework club, but her reaction to us leaving startled me a little. I wasn't expecting it at all. I don't think it really had so much to do with the fact that we personally were leaving as it did with the fact that she knows her life would be much different right now if it weren't for ichooseyou. Her family is in a big mess that is going to take a lot of work and determination from her mom to fix, but she has been blessed with the opportunity to make things different for herself and you can see it in her eyes that she knows. Our homework club allowed us to get to know a lot of our kids a lot better and make bonds with them by teaching them and believing in them enough to require their absolute best. Like Irene, a lot of the kids that need help don't have someone at home helping them with homework or even making sure that it gets done. It spoke volumes of love to them for us to check their homework and make them re-do the wrong answers. (even if they didn't necessarily enjoy spending the extra time to do it right.) I'm so glad we got to have that experience and love our kids in that way. I hope that in the future I get the opportunity to do it again.
I didn't really get to say goodbye to anyone else. I am sort of glad it worked out that way. I don't think I could have handled many more goodbyes. Although we did get to tie up a lot of loose ends we left a lot of things unfinished. I wish we could have had more than two weeks with our homework club. Some of the kids that are struggling are so close to getting it. a couple more weeks with them would have made a world of difference. A couple different families that are in a big mess were just beginning to see that making a few small changes would have a big impact on their families well being. It would have been nice to be able to make sure that they understood and watch them actually make the changes. But like I have been saying and need to continue to say, They are in God's hands and there is no better place for them to be. So that was our last few days in Uganda. I can't believe it's over already. It seems like just yesterday I was writing that the trip was never going to be here and I hoped the time would go by faster. I guess it's time to start saying that about next year now... ;-)
The last few days were filled with tying up loose ends, (as much as we could) and enjoying the time we had left in Uganda. We checked on old wounds and finished cleaning some of the newer ones. We took every opportunity available to love on the kids in ichooseyou and the kids in Namatala. We tried to better understand where some of the people are coming from and how they ended up in the situation they are in. I finally can say that if you put me somewhere in town and told me to find my way back to mama's house I could do it. It may take me a while, but I could do it.
Saying goodbye was so much harder than I ever could have imagined. To be honest, in some cases I just didn't do it. I couldn't. On our last Sunday it was extremely hard for me to focus in church. Lord forgive me but I couldn't help but look around the whole time and try to take it all in one last time before we left. Church was extra long that last Sunday. We sang for well over an hour. Both times. Ha ha. While we were singing I was soaking it in. Trying to remember how it sounds and what it felt like so that I would have that memory to go back to on days like today when I just want a little piece of Uganda again. During Sunday school I held Chede and just watched the kids. I loved seeing the joy on their faces and the love they have for the Lord. I couldn't help but notice how the ichooseyou kids have this extra sparkle in their eyes that is unmistakeably hope. As I looked around and saw all of the children, ichooseyou or not, I saw the need of the people and I saw Jesus. I hope that every single person in this world gets the opportunity to look into the face of a child in need and see the love of our savior. I have had the blessing of seeing that love in hundreds of little precious Ugandan faces and it is priceless. After church, It was time to say goodbye. There was one goodbye in particular that I had been dreading and I knew I had to do it. Elizabeth came and found me and we went to find Teko together to explain that I was leaving. He didn't say anything when she told him, he just looked at me with those big beautiful eyes and held onto me very tightly. I cried and held him and told him that I loved him and I was coming back and to do well in school and trust the Lord and do the right thing always. I knew he didn't understand me but I couldn't help it. I tried to look at him long enough to get the picture of his face clearly engraved in my mind. I wanted to squeeze him tight and not let go but I felt like his tiny little frame would break in my arms if I hugged him too hard. I knew that holding on would only make letting go harder so I said I love you one last time and then said goodbye. Just before we left I got to hold our sweet little miracle baby, Loru, and kiss his face off. I know he was only letting me hold him because I have blond hair like his Mzungu Kady does but I liked it anyways. After I put him down and said goodbye to his family we went back to mama's house. We had lunch and rested a while then decided it was now or never. It was time to go into Namatala and say our goodbye's there. I don't even know what to say about this part except that it was hard. Very hard. There is something about walking through Namatala for the last time and having a chorus of children chanting "mzungu" behind you for the last time. There is something about smelling home made alcohol and immediately praying against the alcoholism that infects the lives of the people of Namatala for the last time. It was hard and overwhelming. Not to mention having to say goodbye to the people and the children that we grew to love while we were there. Saying goodbye to Chede and her family was awful. At first it seemed like she didn't understand, and honestly it would have been easier that way. I had brought a few pictures of us together from last year so that I could find her easily. I already have these pictures at home and didn't need the ones with me so I decided to give them to her so that she would remember me. When I handed them to her she lit up! She loved them and she couldn't stop looking at them. Then after a while something happened, something clicked and she looked back at me and I knew she understood that I was leaving. She started crying and I started crying and for a moment I didn't think I was going to be able to make myself leave. We took pictures of me with her family and I held her and kissed her and we said "I love you" to each other over and over. She kissed my cheek and I thought I was going to die. Finally I looked at Paul, Kristyn, and Glenn and told them that if we didn't leave right then I wasn't ever going to leave. I put a crying Chede down and walked very quickly back to the car crying. Kristyn still needed to say goodbye to Masse and we both wanted to see tom and the rest of the family before we left so we headed that direction. I honestly don't know how to describe what happened there. Irene, the sibling that is in ichooseyou, wouldn't come say goodbye. She couldn't stop crying and I guess she didn't want to be crying when she said goodbye. Kristyn and I both tried to get her to look at us and give us a hug but it didn't really work. (we got half hugs) Then Kristyn took pictures with the family, said goodbye to Masse and we left. We both cried all the way home. About 45 minutes after we got home we got a call from Paul. Irene had walked all the way to Mama's house and he had found her outside the gate. He couldn't get her to go home and it was dark so he asked us to help. We went out there and gave her real hugs and then she agreed to go home. Paul walked her most of the way home so that she would be safe. Kristyn and I love Irene and did spend a lot of time with her because of Tom getting sick and the ichooseyou homework club, but her reaction to us leaving startled me a little. I wasn't expecting it at all. I don't think it really had so much to do with the fact that we personally were leaving as it did with the fact that she knows her life would be much different right now if it weren't for ichooseyou. Her family is in a big mess that is going to take a lot of work and determination from her mom to fix, but she has been blessed with the opportunity to make things different for herself and you can see it in her eyes that she knows. Our homework club allowed us to get to know a lot of our kids a lot better and make bonds with them by teaching them and believing in them enough to require their absolute best. Like Irene, a lot of the kids that need help don't have someone at home helping them with homework or even making sure that it gets done. It spoke volumes of love to them for us to check their homework and make them re-do the wrong answers. (even if they didn't necessarily enjoy spending the extra time to do it right.) I'm so glad we got to have that experience and love our kids in that way. I hope that in the future I get the opportunity to do it again.
I didn't really get to say goodbye to anyone else. I am sort of glad it worked out that way. I don't think I could have handled many more goodbyes. Although we did get to tie up a lot of loose ends we left a lot of things unfinished. I wish we could have had more than two weeks with our homework club. Some of the kids that are struggling are so close to getting it. a couple more weeks with them would have made a world of difference. A couple different families that are in a big mess were just beginning to see that making a few small changes would have a big impact on their families well being. It would have been nice to be able to make sure that they understood and watch them actually make the changes. But like I have been saying and need to continue to say, They are in God's hands and there is no better place for them to be. So that was our last few days in Uganda. I can't believe it's over already. It seems like just yesterday I was writing that the trip was never going to be here and I hoped the time would go by faster. I guess it's time to start saying that about next year now... ;-)
Home
I'm back in the USA now. Most people know I've actually been home since last Wednesday. I just haven't had the energy to write another post. I went into this trip knowing that coming home would be hard. I knew that I wouldn't want to leave. I knew that my heart would be broken all over again for these people and for what God is doing in Uganda. I knew that the piece of my heart that I left in Uganda last year still wasn't coming home with me. What I didn't anticipate was that I would leave yet another piece of my heart there this time. I didn't realize that being there so long would be such an affirmation of my heart for this place. I didn't know that going a second time would open my eyes to things that I didn't see the first time and open my heart to it as well. On the plane home I kept asking myself, and God, why this is so hard. How can my heart be completely broken and longing to stay in Uganda, while missing my family and friends at home at the same time? How, after a total of only 2 months in Uganda, can it feel like home to me? And if Uganda feels like home then why does home feel like home too? That thought was the one that broke me. Uganda feels like home, but the States feel like home too. I don't know what is worse, feeling like I'm living in two different worlds at the same time, or not knowing which world is the one I'm supposed to be in right now. I know that God has called me to Uganda in some way but I also know that right now I'm home in the states. Last year it was easier, I had to finish school and I had Rise. This year it's so much harder. I'm done with school, I don't have a job, and Rise will be over for me on August 7th. That leaves me with the question of what is next. Society says that I am supposed to begin a career of some sort. I am supposed to be searching for a job that will lead to something and provide benefits and a future for me. Everything about what I just described screams complacency to me and is absolutely 1,000% repulsive.
When I was younger I had everything planned out. I would go to college and get my degree, then open a dance studio and teach dance for the rest of my life. Somewhere between college and my mid 20's I would fall in love and get married. We would have babies, live in the suburbs, take nice vacations, and be like that for the rest of our lives. I never dreamed of living more than an hour away from my mom. I certainly never wanted to live in a different state, much less a different continent. In church when we would talk about missionaries my immediate thought was always "I love God and I want others to love God, but who would ever want to do that? Missionaries are weird and boring and don't know how to dress." Life was supposed to be a certain way and I didn't plan on ever really rocking the boat.
Obviously something changed, and I can promise you it wasn't me. God began working on my heart my first year of college. He began to make me think about other places and other people by putting adoption and the clean water issue in front of me every time I turned around. The thought of adoption came easier to me than the thought of dropping everything for a short term mission trip, much less being a "missionary." Adoption was sweet and appealing and on my terms and in my time table. I let myself become open to the thought of adoption and God calling me to it, and without my consent it became engraved in my heart. Scripture is very clear on the heart of our father towards orphans and widows and it didn't take much convincing for my heart to agree with the fathers on that issue. What I hadn't thought much about before was the fact that adoption wasn't the only way to care for widows and orphans and those in need. When my heart became one with the Fathers on the issue of adoption I frequently wondered why God would put it on my heart so strongly when I didn't have a husband yet and couldn't do anything about it. I would read something about orphans, or hear a sermon on "the least of these", or read a blog about an international adoption and immediately think "God why are you doing this to me? You know my heart is for adoption and you know that I don't have a husband yet and this is killing me!" I wouldn't really allow the thought that maybe God was trying to get my attention for another reason. Without going into too much detail, God got my attention. Definitely isn't how I would have done it but I have to say it worked. It's funny how when your life turns upside down and you don't have a choice but to completely rely on the spirit and listen and wait for Gods voice, you hear Him. I would love to say that it was as clear as a bell, that I heard God's voice without a doubt in the world say "Go to Uganda with Ichooseyou this summer" but that isn't exactly how it happened. One day in the midst of my world crashing down around me I felt like God wanted more from me than the usual work at the studio during the summer. I had friends that were going on international mission trips and it had never really made me want to do the same, but something told me I needed to. When Becky asked me if I was interested in going with Ichooseyou to Uganda that summer the word "yes" came out of my mouth involuntarily. The next thing I knew I had already asked off of work for the two weeks and talked to my parents about it. I gave Becky a final yes and had somehow committed to a two week trip to Uganda. I prayed a lot in the days to come. I began to feel like maybe I had rushed into this and not prayed or thought through it enough. I began to pray that if this was what God wanted from me the money would be there and if it wasn't it wouldn't. Long story short the money was there. It only really took a couple weeks from the time I sent the support letters for all of the money to be there. I was going. Uganda was where God wanted me for those two weeks. (The money story really is amazing. If you look back far enough on here it's in there somewhere.) If I had known then that those two weeks would change my life completely and change it forever I may not have gone. I didn't want change. Not like this. I didn't want to have my heart in two different places. I didn't want to be sitting here saying that I have two homes and I can't be in both at the same time. I had a plan and if I had known that the first trip was going to shatter that plan I probably wouldn't have done it. I'm so glad I did. Yes, it hurts to have my heart in two places at once and not know what the future holds. Maybe it is crazy that I would want to live in Uganda, even for just a short amount of time. But what is worse than all of that is living a comfortable, complacent life, just because that is what I am "supposed" to do. I can't imagine anything worse than ignoring God's call. Sure I had hoped Gods call would involve living in the states, but for now it seems He has a different plan.
So now I am in the middle. I know God is calling and I am trying to figure out what He wants and when He wants it. I'm trying not to mistake my emotions for God's will in my life. I'm facing opposition and trials from places I never thought I would, and trying to understand if it is the enemy or God putting on the brakes. One thing is for sure, that God has a plan for my life and I want to be in the middle of His will, whatever that looks like. So I will deal with the emotions from the fact that I have two homes that are very far apart. I will pray, and cry, and trust that He knows far better than I. When I hear his voice, no matter what it says, I will follow.
I have had a lot of people ask what they can do and how they can pray. Go to www.ichooseyou.net and take a look around. Consider sponsoring a child (or two, or five, or ten!) or giving a one time donation. We have 47 wonderful children right now but Namatala is a very big place with a very big need. We need more sponsors to be able to keep bringing hope to these families. As always, please pray for God's will to be made very clear to me. Also pray that no matter what it is, my heart and the hearts of my loved ones would be willing and obedient.
Thank you so much for praying with me and taking this crazy journey with me. I promise I will try to update about the last few days of my trip soon. Stay Tuned!
When I was younger I had everything planned out. I would go to college and get my degree, then open a dance studio and teach dance for the rest of my life. Somewhere between college and my mid 20's I would fall in love and get married. We would have babies, live in the suburbs, take nice vacations, and be like that for the rest of our lives. I never dreamed of living more than an hour away from my mom. I certainly never wanted to live in a different state, much less a different continent. In church when we would talk about missionaries my immediate thought was always "I love God and I want others to love God, but who would ever want to do that? Missionaries are weird and boring and don't know how to dress." Life was supposed to be a certain way and I didn't plan on ever really rocking the boat.
Obviously something changed, and I can promise you it wasn't me. God began working on my heart my first year of college. He began to make me think about other places and other people by putting adoption and the clean water issue in front of me every time I turned around. The thought of adoption came easier to me than the thought of dropping everything for a short term mission trip, much less being a "missionary." Adoption was sweet and appealing and on my terms and in my time table. I let myself become open to the thought of adoption and God calling me to it, and without my consent it became engraved in my heart. Scripture is very clear on the heart of our father towards orphans and widows and it didn't take much convincing for my heart to agree with the fathers on that issue. What I hadn't thought much about before was the fact that adoption wasn't the only way to care for widows and orphans and those in need. When my heart became one with the Fathers on the issue of adoption I frequently wondered why God would put it on my heart so strongly when I didn't have a husband yet and couldn't do anything about it. I would read something about orphans, or hear a sermon on "the least of these", or read a blog about an international adoption and immediately think "God why are you doing this to me? You know my heart is for adoption and you know that I don't have a husband yet and this is killing me!" I wouldn't really allow the thought that maybe God was trying to get my attention for another reason. Without going into too much detail, God got my attention. Definitely isn't how I would have done it but I have to say it worked. It's funny how when your life turns upside down and you don't have a choice but to completely rely on the spirit and listen and wait for Gods voice, you hear Him. I would love to say that it was as clear as a bell, that I heard God's voice without a doubt in the world say "Go to Uganda with Ichooseyou this summer" but that isn't exactly how it happened. One day in the midst of my world crashing down around me I felt like God wanted more from me than the usual work at the studio during the summer. I had friends that were going on international mission trips and it had never really made me want to do the same, but something told me I needed to. When Becky asked me if I was interested in going with Ichooseyou to Uganda that summer the word "yes" came out of my mouth involuntarily. The next thing I knew I had already asked off of work for the two weeks and talked to my parents about it. I gave Becky a final yes and had somehow committed to a two week trip to Uganda. I prayed a lot in the days to come. I began to feel like maybe I had rushed into this and not prayed or thought through it enough. I began to pray that if this was what God wanted from me the money would be there and if it wasn't it wouldn't. Long story short the money was there. It only really took a couple weeks from the time I sent the support letters for all of the money to be there. I was going. Uganda was where God wanted me for those two weeks. (The money story really is amazing. If you look back far enough on here it's in there somewhere.) If I had known then that those two weeks would change my life completely and change it forever I may not have gone. I didn't want change. Not like this. I didn't want to have my heart in two different places. I didn't want to be sitting here saying that I have two homes and I can't be in both at the same time. I had a plan and if I had known that the first trip was going to shatter that plan I probably wouldn't have done it. I'm so glad I did. Yes, it hurts to have my heart in two places at once and not know what the future holds. Maybe it is crazy that I would want to live in Uganda, even for just a short amount of time. But what is worse than all of that is living a comfortable, complacent life, just because that is what I am "supposed" to do. I can't imagine anything worse than ignoring God's call. Sure I had hoped Gods call would involve living in the states, but for now it seems He has a different plan.
So now I am in the middle. I know God is calling and I am trying to figure out what He wants and when He wants it. I'm trying not to mistake my emotions for God's will in my life. I'm facing opposition and trials from places I never thought I would, and trying to understand if it is the enemy or God putting on the brakes. One thing is for sure, that God has a plan for my life and I want to be in the middle of His will, whatever that looks like. So I will deal with the emotions from the fact that I have two homes that are very far apart. I will pray, and cry, and trust that He knows far better than I. When I hear his voice, no matter what it says, I will follow.
I have had a lot of people ask what they can do and how they can pray. Go to www.ichooseyou.net and take a look around. Consider sponsoring a child (or two, or five, or ten!) or giving a one time donation. We have 47 wonderful children right now but Namatala is a very big place with a very big need. We need more sponsors to be able to keep bringing hope to these families. As always, please pray for God's will to be made very clear to me. Also pray that no matter what it is, my heart and the hearts of my loved ones would be willing and obedient.
Thank you so much for praying with me and taking this crazy journey with me. I promise I will try to update about the last few days of my trip soon. Stay Tuned!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
