I am living

I am living. Really living.

I have to confess, some days I feel stuck. Like I'm just sitting around while the rest of the world keeps going. This could be credited to not having a job at the moment, feeling purposeless, or sheer laziness. Probably a combination of the three. It's ugly really. To think that even a second of a day could be wasted. To think that I've made that choice could completely hinder me from moving forward, or catapult me into moving because I know the sick taste of idleness.

Thankfully our God is a Merciful God. Thankfully He knows the plans he has for me, plans for hope, and a future. Plans to prosper me. Praise Him.

Tonight, as I was on Facebook of all things, I was reminded that God hasn't left me here. Instead, He has put me here. He has put me in a community full of people that are letting The Lord speak and move through them to literally shape me. I want to tell you a little bit about them...

God has given me a treasure of a friend, sister, and shoulder to know me and love me still. She lets me tag along with her and her husband and never once makes me feel like the awkward third wheel. She prays with me, for me, and even despite me sometimes. Our friendship is permanent. I know this because it has walked through many living hells and it's still intact. I am blessed.

God has given me an amazing mentor, discipler, and friend to walk with me through things I might not have the strength to even whisper to anyone else. When the valley of the shadow comes she tells me to go to the throne before the phone. Then she meets me at the throne and prays and walks with me. I am blessed.

God has given me a crazy wonderful sister to have life with and lead with. She thinks that somehow I teach her, but I promise you it's the other way around. She has taught me so much with her passion for obedience. God has graced me with her beautiful voice, musical talent and passion for loving others well. Let me be the first to tell you that she does, in fact, love others very, very well. I am blessed.

God has given me another fabulous sister to share life with and lead with that is just out of this world. She has so much joy and passion and is fiercely beautiful inside and out. Her honesty is a breath of fresh air and challenges me to be honest as well. I am blessed.

God has given me a brother that leads so very well. His passion for the gospel and making sure every eye sees and every ear hears is like nothing I have ever seen before. He challenges us to seek The Lord and to lead well daily. He prays for us, with us, and for us again. He is there when we have hard questions and always takes us back to the word. I am blessed.

God has given me another brother that really does lead well. He is genuine and honest. He keeps us entertained always and blesses us more than you could imagine with his musical talents. He has a gift for leading people into worship, straight to the feet of Jesus. I am blessed.

I am not stuck. Far from it. I am living. Really living. God has given me so much! I have a spiritual family that blows my mind, and together we are allowing The Lord to use us to change lives. Will we always be here doing this? No. One of us is probably moving soon. I am probably moving shortly after that. People will graduate and move on, but I will always be blessed by these people and this season The Lord has given me.

I know I didn't mention names but I'm pretty sure you all know who you are. Thank you. I am going to miss you all so so much when God calls us elsewhere. Thankfully we're not there yet. :-)

Begin

Most of you know that I have been struggling with my life direction since I have been home from Uganda. I am very pleased to announce that I have good news!!!

After endless nights praying and practically begging the Lord to show me what to do and when to go etc. I finally feel like I have an answer. In fact I know I have an answer. Begin.

It was as if the light bulb just clicked one day (aka the Lord spoke to me) and all of my questions about going and doing and what that meant were answered. Begin. Begin fundraising. Begin planning. Begin preparing my heart. Begin praying relentlessly for every aspect of this trip. Begin enjoying the things about being home that I will miss when I'm gone, without complaining. Begin, with my actions, trusting that the Lord is faithful and that He did not bring me this far to leave me.

So with all of this beginning I have some very real, very humbling, things to do. The most humbling of all is to begin asking for help. I have to say that when it comes to fundraising I feel a bit bipolar. I absolutely HATE the beginning of the process. Writing letters and sending them knowing that I am asking for people to give me money is very, very, painful. However, after I am obedient to do so, it is amazing to watch the body of Christ respond! Let me just say that God is faithful and His children are generous!!! I am always amazed at the Lords timing and the selfless giving from my friends and family.

The next couple weeks are going to be spent writing and re-writing my support letter until I cannot bear to look at it anymore. Then sending entirely too many letters, through snail mail, and praying praying praying for The Lord to do what He does best and come through! If you don't mind praying with me I would appreciate it so much!

This thing just got real. I'm excited!!!!!!!!!!!!

A breath of fresh air!

I received a phone call from a sweet new friend last night that really gave me encouragement and a breath of fresh air! It was wonderful to be able to talk to her and just know that she knows how my heart feels. It was also nice to hear that I am not alone in some of the things I went through/am going through/will go through. I walked away from our conversation feeling refreshed and ready to go. This time I actually feel like I know what I need to be doing!

Lets take a couple steps back...

After my last blog post I got an email from Patti, my wonderful step mom, that was so sweet and encouraging. She basically reminded me that God calls us and directs us in the middle of what we are doing. I know this to be true. I had a plan when God directed me to Uganda. I even had a plan about Uganda! (one that did NOT involve falling in love and hearing the call from God to be there long term, I might add.) Then in the middle of all my plans God redirected me, and by choosing his plans, he set me on a new path. Now I am on this new path and I'm not quite sure what the next move is. So I have two choices: I can just stop moving all together out of fear that I'll be moving in the wrong direction, or I can continue moving and "doing" until I hear the voice of God directing or redirecting me again. When I look at those options it becomes crystal clear. Keep moving!

Last night in conversation with this friend I realized that the time God is giving me here is going to be time I cherish once I'm away. It is also time that God does not want me to waste! This is preparation time! In dance, a good preparation is completely necessary in order for whatever jump, leap, or turn you are doing to be successful. I know that applies to life as well. A good preparation is necessary for every season of life. It is not time to be wasted.

So where does this leave me in terms of real life?

Well first of all, I need to keep looking for a job that glorifies the lord and not let myself get discouraged by the amount of time it takes to find one. God always provides. I have found this to be true every time I am put to the test.
Second, If God is leading me to serve him long term in Uganda then I need to be preparing for that! So the preparation begins in every aspect now.
Last, I have decided to cherish the time I have here now. Not passively, but actively cherish the time I have here. I know there will be days down the road that I will miss this terribly. So I will be present and joyful in every moment God keeps me here.

How can you help? I thought you would never ask! First and foremost please continue to keep me in your prayers! I firmly believe in the power of prayer and appreciate all the prayer I can get! Then, if you feel led to help financially, contact me! This isn't restricted to personally giving a donation. If you would like to help me network with people that are interested in giving, or organize a benefit night etc., that would be helpful as well! Just contact me at callie.r.eacret@gmail.com.

Umm...?

Umm...? That's how I've been feeling. some people ask the question "How do you know when God is speaking or calling you to something?" I've been there. I have asked that question. In fact, I've wrestled with it quite a bit. I came out in the other side realizing that it's never exactly the same. God has plans and I firmly believe that he speaks to us in ways that will most glorify himself in those plans. That being said, I'm at a completely different question now. How do I "go" without a clear destination? Here is what I know for sure:

1) God has placed a love and a longing for the people and the country of Uganda in my heart. I do believe, without a doubt, that God has plans for me in Uganda.
2) God does not want me in Uganda right now. That one is a little more complicated. But I know that I am supposed to be in the states right now so here I am!
3) God does NOT want me just wasting time while I'm here. I know that I can't just find "fillers" for my time until God says I can go back to Uganda. That applies to my job, my relationships, etc. I need to be fully here while I am here.
4) God is very clearly calling me to "go." I know that He wants me to get moving and I'm ready to just start walking until I find what he has for me but I don't even feel a nudge in the right direction!

So how does one "go" when they don't know where they are going? I would love to hear what you have to think about this! (I know I'm going out on a limb here thinking that anyone other than my best friends and my mom actually read this blog. Haha) leave a comment with what you think it looks like to just "go" even if it's unclear what the destination is.
Thanks! -Callie


P.S. Since I wrote this blog a little bit has changed. I had been searching job ads on Craigslist and came across an ad for a job at a children's home in Austin. This was the first time I had felt like God was saying "There! Go there!" so I applied! I haven't heard back yet and I would appreciate your prayers! I want what God wants for me so just pray that His will be done. I really do think this opportunity would be amazing but I know that His plans are ALWAYS best. Thanks!

Chicken Pox

Amaza died of chicken pox. It seems crazy to me. I remember when I had chicken pox. Of course it was uncomfortable but the little red spots were silly and after a few days it was over. I won't pretend that I know why it wasn't that way for Amaza, I'm obviously not a doctor. Somehow Amaza's little body just couldn't handle the chicken pox. I've been told that the rest of the 10 kids have chicken pox as well.

I really don't know what else to say. Honestly my brain can't wrap around this. There is so much that I don't know. I don't know how sick the other kids are. I don't know who holds and comforts those sweet babies that just lost a brother and are hurting physically as well. I don't know who holds and comforts the mother that just lost her son and has 9 other sick children to care for and worry about. I don't know what I would do or feel if I were in her shoes.

But I do know one thing. One thing that will never change.

God is holding every single one of those kids. God is holding that mom. God is holding all of us, and He loves us. We are exactly where we need to be in the arms of the savior.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38, 39 ESV)

That is what I know. That is what I am holding onto. That is a promise!

In the arms of Jesus

I don't want to write this blog but I need to.

Amaza, the little boy that we put in the hospital because he was malnourished, is in the arms of Jesus today. I don't know much except that he was in the hospital when he died. I'm trying to find out more information but it may take a while. Please pray for this family. Please pray for our team. Please pray for our hearts. Amaza is in better hands now. He is free and healthy and whole in heaven today and he doesn't need our prayers or our tears. However, he left behind a family that loves and misses him. They do need our prayers. They need to be comforted by the only one who has the power to heal this heartache.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around this still. When we left the report was that he was doing better. Now he has left us to be with Jesus. Thank you for the prayers and support. Please keep praying.

Saying Goodbye

I can't believe the last thing I wrote about was Tom. That seems like it was so long ago. Tom is doing well now. When we left he was back at home and beginning to move around. We even got a smile out of him a couple times, and we both got to hug/hold him before we left. I had really hoped to see a fully recovered Tom before we left but I know that he is in God's hands and there is no better place for him to be. (I keep saying that. It's the truth and it's something I need to be reminded of on a daily basis.)
The last few days were filled with tying up loose ends, (as much as we could) and enjoying the time we had left in Uganda. We checked on old wounds and finished cleaning some of the newer ones. We took every opportunity available to love on the kids in ichooseyou and the kids in Namatala. We tried to better understand where some of the people are coming from and how they ended up in the situation they are in. I finally can say that if you put me somewhere in town and told me to find my way back to mama's house I could do it. It may take me a while, but I could do it.
Saying goodbye was so much harder than I ever could have imagined. To be honest, in some cases I just didn't do it. I couldn't. On our last Sunday it was extremely hard for me to focus in church. Lord forgive me but I couldn't help but look around the whole time and try to take it all in one last time before we left. Church was extra long that last Sunday. We sang for well over an hour. Both times. Ha ha. While we were singing I was soaking it in. Trying to remember how it sounds and what it felt like so that I would have that memory to go back to on days like today when I just want a little piece of Uganda again. During Sunday school I held Chede and just watched the kids. I loved seeing the joy on their faces and the love they have for the Lord. I couldn't help but notice how the ichooseyou kids have this extra sparkle in their eyes that is unmistakeably hope. As I looked around and saw all of the children, ichooseyou or not, I saw the need of the people and I saw Jesus. I hope that every single person in this world gets the opportunity to look into the face of a child in need and see the love of our savior. I have had the blessing of seeing that love in hundreds of little precious Ugandan faces and it is priceless. After church, It was time to say goodbye. There was one goodbye in particular that I had been dreading and I knew I had to do it. Elizabeth came and found me and we went to find Teko together to explain that I was leaving. He didn't say anything when she told him, he just looked at me with those big beautiful eyes and held onto me very tightly. I cried and held him and told him that I loved him and I was coming back and to do well in school and trust the Lord and do the right thing always. I knew he didn't understand me but I couldn't help it. I tried to look at him long enough to get the picture of his face clearly engraved in my mind. I wanted to squeeze him tight and not let go but I felt like his tiny little frame would break in my arms if I hugged him too hard. I knew that holding on would only make letting go harder so I said I love you one last time and then said goodbye. Just before we left I got to hold our sweet little miracle baby, Loru, and kiss his face off. I know he was only letting me hold him because I have blond hair like his Mzungu Kady does but I liked it anyways. After I put him down and said goodbye to his family we went back to mama's house. We had lunch and rested a while then decided it was now or never. It was time to go into Namatala and say our goodbye's there. I don't even know what to say about this part except that it was hard. Very hard. There is something about walking through Namatala for the last time and having a chorus of children chanting "mzungu" behind you for the last time. There is something about smelling home made alcohol and immediately praying against the alcoholism that infects the lives of the people of Namatala for the last time. It was hard and overwhelming. Not to mention having to say goodbye to the people and the children that we grew to love while we were there. Saying goodbye to Chede and her family was awful. At first it seemed like she didn't understand, and honestly it would have been easier that way. I had brought a few pictures of us together from last year so that I could find her easily. I already have these pictures at home and didn't need the ones with me so I decided to give them to her so that she would remember me. When I handed them to her she lit up! She loved them and she couldn't stop looking at them. Then after a while something happened, something clicked and she looked back at me and I knew she understood that I was leaving. She started crying and I started crying and for a moment I didn't think I was going to be able to make myself leave. We took pictures of me with her family and I held her and kissed her and we said "I love you" to each other over and over. She kissed my cheek and I thought I was going to die. Finally I looked at Paul, Kristyn, and Glenn and told them that if we didn't leave right then I wasn't ever going to leave. I put a crying Chede down and walked very quickly back to the car crying. Kristyn still needed to say goodbye to Masse and we both wanted to see tom and the rest of the family before we left so we headed that direction. I honestly don't know how to describe what happened there. Irene, the sibling that is in ichooseyou, wouldn't come say goodbye. She couldn't stop crying and I guess she didn't want to be crying when she said goodbye. Kristyn and I both tried to get her to look at us and give us a hug but it didn't really work. (we got half hugs) Then Kristyn took pictures with the family, said goodbye to Masse and we left. We both cried all the way home. About 45 minutes after we got home we got a call from Paul. Irene had walked all the way to Mama's house and he had found her outside the gate. He couldn't get her to go home and it was dark so he asked us to help. We went out there and gave her real hugs and then she agreed to go home. Paul walked her most of the way home so that she would be safe. Kristyn and I love Irene and did spend a lot of time with her because of Tom getting sick and the ichooseyou homework club, but her reaction to us leaving startled me a little. I wasn't expecting it at all. I don't think it really had so much to do with the fact that we personally were leaving as it did with the fact that she knows her life would be much different right now if it weren't for ichooseyou. Her family is in a big mess that is going to take a lot of work and determination from her mom to fix, but she has been blessed with the opportunity to make things different for herself and you can see it in her eyes that she knows. Our homework club allowed us to get to know a lot of our kids a lot better and make bonds with them by teaching them and believing in them enough to require their absolute best. Like Irene, a lot of the kids that need help don't have someone at home helping them with homework or even making sure that it gets done. It spoke volumes of love to them for us to check their homework and make them re-do the wrong answers. (even if they didn't necessarily enjoy spending the extra time to do it right.) I'm so glad we got to have that experience and love our kids in that way. I hope that in the future I get the opportunity to do it again.
I didn't really get to say goodbye to anyone else. I am sort of glad it worked out that way. I don't think I could have handled many more goodbyes. Although we did get to tie up a lot of loose ends we left a lot of things unfinished. I wish we could have had more than two weeks with our homework club. Some of the kids that are struggling are so close to getting it. a couple more weeks with them would have made a world of difference. A couple different families that are in a big mess were just beginning to see that making a few small changes would have a big impact on their families well being. It would have been nice to be able to make sure that they understood and watch them actually make the changes. But like I have been saying and need to continue to say, They are in God's hands and there is no better place for them to be. So that was our last few days in Uganda. I can't believe it's over already. It seems like just yesterday I was writing that the trip was never going to be here and I hoped the time would go by faster. I guess it's time to start saying that about next year now... ;-)