Is he really enough?

My wallpaper on my computer says "I am enough." It is a reminder that I am worthy of love and connection because Jesus made me worthy, and it is also a reminder that Jesus is enough for me in every circumstance.

This week has been hard. I said goodbye to a friend that is moving back to America this week. I saw more than anyone should ever have to see in the main hospital in town yesterday. Malnourished babies that look like they shouldn't have survived this long, and sick children on the brink of death with mamas that look like they are losing hope. I walked away feeling totally broken. I don't know where Alepele is. (The oldest of my children.) She has been gone for two weeks now. I am told she is in Kampala but I don't know if she has a place to sleep, if she has someone caring for her, or when she is coming back. It is all feeling like too much right now.

It is weeks like this when I have to answer the question, "Is Jesus really enough for me? In every circumstance?"

Is Jesus really enough to take care of my baby girl? Do I really believe that He holds her and He loves her more than I ever could? Do I trust Him with her? Goodness that part is hard for me. I just want her home where I can hold her and know she is safe!

Is Jesus enough for my heart that is sad from saying goodbye to a friend? Is He enough for my friend that will now have to find his place in America again? Can we depend on him to be our comfort and our strength?

Is Jesus enough for all of the mamas and babies that are in desperate need of healing? Do I believe that He really will bring good out of every situation? Will I get to see that good? If I don't can I trust that He is still faithful?

I know that the answer to my question is yes. YES Jesus is enough. Always! He IS trustworthy. He IS dependable and He WILL be my comfort and my strength. He CAN bring healing and he WILL work all things for the good of those who love him. Even if I don't see it right now. Even if it doesn't look the way I want it to. He IS faithful.

Jesus is enough. Always. I pray that truth sinks deep into our souls and becomes real to us in undeniable, tangible ways. I pray that every time I start to feel like I can't take anymore I would just breathe the words, "You are enough for me Jesus" and choose to rest in His promises and the comfort of His arms. I pray that somehow I would be used to make this truth known to everyone I come in contact with. Jesus is enough. He will always be enough.

Rose

I didn't know Rose very well personally. I saw her often. She lived right next to my kids. She was always kind and greeted me with smiling eyes. I had no idea she was sick. When I left in September she was the same as she had always been. When I came back in January she was barely recognizable. 

I remember the first time I saw her when I arrived this year. She was laying outside of her house next to the neighbor woman who was cooking. I greeted her and the neighbor told me she was paralyzed  from the waist down. I prayed for her and tried to hold back tears as I looked into her beautiful and tired eyes. I tried to get as much information as possible from the neighbor but the language barrier made it nearly impossible. 

I asked a friend from the office, also named Rose, to go and check on her for me and find out what happened. She came back to me and said it was HIV. Rose had stopped taking her ARV's and was really sick. She didn't have family around and her husband had left her so Rose (from the office) and I decided to help her. We made a list of things to buy for her so that she could feed herself and we talked about discussing her health with her. Rose (from the office) went to town and bought all of the things we decided on and when she went to give them to her she was told she had gone to the village. We decided to wait a while and see if she returned, there wasn't much else we could do... 

She never returned. Rose passed away over the weekend. 

I have no idea what this is that I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's sadness over the loss of a neighbor. Maybe it's anger that sin brought this horrible disease into the world and it has taken yet another life. Maybe it's grief because I'm not certain that she knew Jesus. Maybe it's guilt knocking on my door saying I could have done more, should have done more. It is probably a combination of all of those things wrapped up in a numbing shell. 

I wish I had more time to sit with Rose, and the language resources to actually be able to have a conversation with her about Jesus. There are so many thoughts that have gone through my head today about what I don't know and what I would have done differently had I known how little time She actually had left. 

When I sat to write this tonight all of the thoughts and emotions you could think of flooded my mind and I couldn't even begin to think of what to write. Then a quiet voice said, "It doesn't have to be eloquent. You just have to tell her story. It's a story that needs to be told."

HIV is a nasty disease. It is best friends with shame, another nasty disease, and together they are lethal. Shame moved into this country along with HIV and said that if you got it you deserved it and you were wrong. It didn't take into account all of the innocent people that contract the disease from trusted spouses, abuse, or parents. It tried to cover the fact that Jesus had paid for all sin, even sin that leads to HIV. It just moved in and silenced people enough to kill them. 

I don't know how Rose got HIV or why she stopped taking her ARV's. I probably never will have answers to those questions. Maybe it was shame, or maybe she was just tired. I wish I could rewind to January 10th when I first saw her and spend more time with her. I hope she knew Jesus and is sitting at his feet, 100% free of HIV and shame. I hope she got to say goodbye to her children and grandchildren if she had them. I pray that anyone suffering from HIV would send shame packing and choose to live in the freedom of Christ. I pray that His kingdom would come on earth as it is in heaven and that HIV would just be something you read about in history books one day. 

Pray for Rose's family. Pray for me. Pray for everyone else in the world suffering from this terrible disease. Jesus come quickly. 

Time for an update!

I've been in Uganda for three weeks now!  In some ways it feels like I never left. In other ways it feels like a completely different place. I made a conscious effort not to have expectations for what things would be like when I got back. I knew that everything would be different; after all I was coming back to a (semi) new roommate, new job, and a lot of changes in my personal life. There was no way for me to prepare for what I would feel and how I would adjust. I made a choice long before I left to trust God. A choice to believe what he says and to trust where he leads.

It all still feels really new. There is no denying that everything really is different now, and the Lord is giving me such grace through it all. I’m still sifting my way through some of the pain from the way I left. Just today I was walking through Namatala and along the way I saw so many of the people that I used to work with and still love deeply. It has been bittersweet reuniting with all of these people and then having to explain why I left without saying goodbye and why things are different now. I wasn't ready to go when I left and I definitely wasn't ready to go without saying goodbye when I knew I wouldn't be working with them after I came back. That wasn't how any of it was supposed to happen, but it did. I have a different job now. I love them deeply and no one can ever change that, but I won't be working with them daily anymore. That is a really hard reality for me, and the Lord is navigating these foreign waters with me with his unconditional love and sweet grace. 

Praise God for his good and perfect gifts in the midst of the bittersweet. I love my new job and all of the people that I’m working with! It’s so neat to have a team of expats to work with as well as a whole office full of Ugandans! Everyone has been so welcoming and I’m starting to find the groove of things in the office. I’ve learned who everyone is and what their job is and I love getting to know the people I will be working with.

On my first day in the office I was given a tour of all of the different offices and what each of them do. When I got to the women’s office, which is the office I will be working in, everyone was introduced to me. When I introduced myself everyone began saying, “Yes! We have been waiting for you! You are the one that does crafts! We are so glad you are finally here!” It was a bit of a surprise since I was thinking I would mostly be working on a nutrition project, but it was so sweet to know someone had talked me up WAY too much and that they were so excited to have me. My job has expanded already and I love it! I love knowing that my dreams are being encouraged but also having the opportunity to do things I’m good at and things I love.

We have team dinners every Monday night. I have a team now! And I love every single person in it. Team dinners are just dinner and quality time together, no work, and they are usually hilarious! Within the Jenga volunteer group there are at least 5 different countries represented and countless different accents. We inevitably spend a good amount of time discussing what we each call different objects and the different expressions we all use. It amazes me how hard it can be to understand a conversation with a person that speaks English! My friend Grace is from Manchester, UK and sometimes when she speaks I question whether or not she is speaking English. She also does an AWESOME southern accent impression. I think she may have watched Sweet Home Alabama one too many times! (Also, apparently “awesome” is an American word only. The jokes are endless.) My friend Rhonda is from northern Ireland and when she said, “cow” I had no idea what she was talking about. I think she added a couple letters and syllables in there. Definitely not English! (I’m only teasing. Love you Rhonda!) It’s a blast every day with this team. I’m so thankful for them!

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning is spent with the whole Jenga staff in worship and prayer. That has been such a blessing. It is so neat to be a part of. It is so sweet to see all of the Jenga staff and volunteers, close to 50 people, worshipping the lord in unity with the purpose of making his name great. Three times a week we all gather together to refocus on the goal. We aren’t just here to build things. We aren’t just here to help women save money for their future. We aren’t just here to educate and feed children. We aren’t just here for the countless other projects Jenga has. We are here to make the name of The Lord great! I’m so blessed to be part of a ministry that puts Jesus first always.

I had such a sweet reunion with my kids and my sweet friend Annette that loves and cares for them as if she is their bio mom. Alepele was the first of my kids to see me and she came running to hug me. Cheede heard her yelling my name and came running behind her and jumped into my arms! It was so perfect and sweet. Ana had just woken up when I arrived so she was still half asleep when she saw me. She just cried and put her hands out for me to pick her up. My sweet baby girl didn’t understand why I left and I hate that she had to try to process it all in her precious little mind. I’m praying that she will understand someday and forgive me. I’m soaking up the time I have with her now! If I didn't know how precious it was before, I definitely know now. Solomon still isn't walking but he did recognize me and he let me hold him without crying! My sweet boy is still too small. Much too small. Please continue praying for him and for total healing. Annette had a baby while I was in America and he is the cutest little thing! She named him Ty after my friend Ty that loves them and took amazing care of them while I was away. My reunion with Annette was so sweet. It felt so good to hug my friend again! We looked at baby Ty together, hugged each other, reminded each other of how good God is and how far he brought us this year, and praised him for being such a good and loving father. I'm so thankful to be able to without a doubt call Annette a true friend. 

There is so much more to tell you! I can't wait to tell you about my new friends, reunions with old friends, and give you more details about what it is exactly that I'm doing. For now I should probably sleep. We pulled an all-nighter for the super bowl last night and now I am exhausted! (9 hour time difference = watching the super bowl at 2 am. I didn't get home until 7am!) Thanks so much for all of your prayers! See you back here soon!

Letting Go

"You've brought me to the end of myself

This has been the longest road

Just when my hallelujah was tired

You gave me a new song

I'm letting go

I'm letting go

I'm letting go

Falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes

But perfect love comes rushing in

And all the lies screamed inside go silent

The moment You begin

I'm letting go

I'm letting go

I'm letting go

Falling into You

You remind me

Of things forgotten

You unwind me

Until I'm totally undone

And with Your arms around me

Fear was no match for Your love

Now You've won me

And if I lived a thousand lifetimes

And wrote a song for every day

Still there would be no way to say

How You have loved me

Oh, how You love me

And that's how You've won me"

Letting Go - Steffany Gretzinger

I have this song on repeat these days. In fact the whole album sounds like she watched the last year of my life and then wrote a bunch of songs about it!

My Hallelujah was tired y'all. In fact, tired is an understatement. 2014 was brutal. I experienced loss and pain in ways I never could have expected. I shut down for a while and needed some help finding my way back out of the waters. 

Praise God for his kindness and provision! I was introduced to a counselor that I absolutely love that walked with me through a lot of soul searching and digging deep. I'm a work in progress (aren't we all?) but The Lord has reminded me of so many things that I had forgotten. 

In all of the digging I took a look at myself and saw all of my filth. I also saw all of the striving and performing that I have done to try to cover it up in hopes that God (and everyone else) somehow wouldn't notice that I wasn't worthy of love. I saw the shame that held me in captivity and the lies that the enemy used as shackles. Shame that told me that I was wrong and that I was the problem. Lies that said that I needed to work harder and be better in order to have any hope at all. Lies that told me that if the people around me didn't have it perfectly together too then they were holding me back. As if anyone ever really has it together. Whatever that means. 

The other day I was talking to a sweet new friend and she reminded me of Ephesians 2. That all of us were dead in our transgressions. That there is nothing any of us can do to be made right with God. "4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved." "8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- 9 not by works, so that no one can boast."

Because of his great love for us... 

I'm learning that I am worthy of love. Not because I'm perfect. Not because I work so hard and I'm always so sweet, and I never do anything wrong. I'm worthy of Love because My Father says so. Praise you Lord!

Even when we were dead in transgressions... 

All of us. Dead because of our filth. Even then he loved us and chose to save us. 

This is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God...

I can't perform my way into being saved or being loved. It isn't from me. It's from Him. Amen!

Oh the freedom I could have if I chose to operate in this truth every single day! To extend compassion, grace, and love to myself when I mess up because I know that is what Jesus does. To do the same for the people around me.

I love the rest of the song. I do still get scared sometimes, but his perfect love silences the lies when I allow it to. Fear is no match for His love. 

As I return to Uganda I pray that The Lord would continue to show me this truth and teach me to live in it. I pray that I would be used to tell others of this truth as well. I pray that this season I have come out of would become part of the story of how God is using me. 

Lord there is no way to say how you have loved me. Thank you. 

Trusting God With Finances

Posts like this are never easy to write. It would be so nice to never have to ask people for money but as a missionary that is just not the reality. I have gone back and forth about what to write and how honest to be. I was encouraged today to share from my heart and to be honest about where I am at with my finances, so that is what I am going to do. I believe in being faithful in the small things, in doing what is within your power to do, and trusting God to be mighty and faithful with the rest. So I have decided to do what I can do and leave the rest up to God. Sharing this information is not easy for me. It makes me feel vulnerable more than just about anything else can!

I bought a plane ticket about a month ago on total faith that the money would come in. I only had enough for half of the plane ticket in my account at the time, and it was such a sweet blessing from the Lord that some very generous people stepped in to provide the rest. (If you haven't heard the story feel free to scroll down and read, "The story behind the plane ticket!") I got busy writing support letters and sending them out. About 300 letters later and a couple talks at church, here I am waiting for responses and for God to provide.

I had a bit of a breakdown today. For a while a steady stream of support letters were coming back to me and I wasn't worrying at all. Then they stopped. Today I just couldn't hold in all of the fear and worry anymore. One of my best friends called me to say hi and could tell I wasn't ok. She asked me what was going on and the floodgates opened. I'm so thankful for this sweet friend and the truth and prayers she spoke over me today. Sometimes it can all feel like too much.

I have raised about 25% of my monthly commitment support goal so far. I have had some sweet supporters give one time gifts too. If I were to look at the short term picture, January to June, I'm about half way to my goal with monthly commitments and one time donations combined. If I were to look at the long term goal, having a sending family that supports me monthly, I am only 25% of the way to being fully funded long term.

If I'm honest, this terrifies me! I leave in 21 days! My flesh wants the security of being fully funded. I know that God will provide and that I do not need to worry, but I still struggle daily with wanting to know when I will be funded and where the money will come from. I know that God will open the eyes and hearts of supporters, but my human nature worries that people are tired of giving. I'm fighting off lies from the enemy that tell me I can't trust God to come through for me financially.

But I know the truth!

I know that God is Faithful. (2 Tim 2:13)

I know that He alone provides for all of my needs. (Phil 4:19, Mat 6:30)

I know that God is for me, and not against me! (Rom 8:28-32)

I'm holding onto these wonderful truths and doing what I can do today. Will you pray with me? Will you give if the Lord puts it on your heart to give? Will you come alongside me by sharing this post, telling your friends, connecting me to people that have a heart to give, sharing fundraising ideas with me, or whatever it is that the Lord places on your heart to do?

I need about $2500 to feel secure for January - June. I need about 35 more people to come alongside me as a member of my sending family giving $30 a month in order to be fully funded long term. These are big goals! I know that The Lord will provide. Will you respond if you feel Him leading your heart to give? I am so thankful for your sacrifice.

I can't wait to share the story of how the Lord made a way. Will you be part of it?!



For information on giving, hover your mouse over "More" at the top left of the screen and then click on "Donations". Thank you!!

Baby!!!

Last night when I wrote November 20th I was only counting on today being hard because of the should have beens. I wasn't expecting to wake up to news that one of my very best Ugandan friends had her baby!!!

I am bursting with happiness and pain all at once right now guys. I don't even know what to do with myself! 

Look at that precious face!!! 

I have no idea if it's a boy or a girl. She told me she was having a girl, but my (amazing) friends that got the call that the baby was here told me she said it was a boy. I'm not even going to pay attention to the pink the baby is wearing. This is Uganda. That means nothing. Regardless, I am so unbelievably happy for this mama and her family!!! 

I want to be there so badly. I want to hug my sweet friend and look her in the eyes and tell her, "Well done!" She made it. The baby is here now. And beautiful! So beautiful. 

I want to hold that baby and tell him or her that they have a mama that loves them with a fierce love and an Auntie Callie that will kiss their face off every day from here on out. EVERY DAY. (So many kisses kid. Get ready!) 

I'm feeling all the feels today. Give me grace if you see me and I look like a crazy woman. I don't know what to do with myself right now. Jesus give me peace and calm. Let this time until I return to Uganda go quickly, but be spent well with the ones I love. 

November 20th

It's here. November 20th is tomorrow and nothing is as it should have been.

By now I'm sure you know that my teammates and I were brought home from Uganda early by our ministry due to fear of a terrorist group that was in the capital city. I've written about coming home a little bit. It's strange, when I first got home I was numb, but I had faith. Strong faith. Faith that my God who called me to this place I love, this place I had been abruptly taken out of, would carry me back. I was completely empty except for the knowledge of the promise that my God is who He says He is, and He says He is faithful. That was the only place I could land when I got home. Sitting in numbness but clinging to that faith with every ounce of my being. I couldn't be angry or sad. I couldn't get mad and have it out with God. That was too scary. I needed him to be faithful. I needed to still be in his good graces. I needed to cling to that faith in order to even be able to function.

I am so thankful that my first reaction wasn't to go off on God, but I have to admit that I had ulterior motives for my faith.

I wanted to go back to Uganda. I needed to be able to say "God is faithful! He will make a way!" because the alternative was hopelessness and fear. So I cried a little, but then told myself to cheer up, God is faithful.

Here it is. November 20th. If things had gone to plan I would be sorting last minute details for my house, about to get in the van to drive to the airport. I would be crying. A lot. But I would be saying "I'll see you soon!" with every tear filled goodbye. This goodbye would have been planned. I would have been prepared. The loose ends would have been mostly tied up and I would have gotten the closure I needed. Instead I'm here in Texas, wondering if the people I left without saying goodbye will ever forgive me.

It's funny that this is the week I would have been saying goodbye. This is also the week I finally broke down. The past few weeks have been building up to this. I knew it was coming. I tried to put it away again, but my loving father told me no this time.

Last week I wrote a blog about how I got a plane ticket. (If you haven't read it you need to! It's a great story of the church stepping up to be what God created it to be.) Getting a plane ticket was amazing, wonderful, perfect, and all of the other warm fuzzy words you can think of. Best. Day. Ever! It also was the day I unclenched my fists just enough for the flood to be released. That grip I had on faith could be loosened a bit because I was going back. That facade of strength that I put on wasn't needed anymore. I bought a ticket.

The three of us that were evacuated early were asked to see a counselor at the church when we returned. I love counseling. I think it is good and important and everyone should do it. It is hard to make the first move, but it is so worth it. So I have been seeing a counselor. My tight grip on faith caused us to take a detour for a while. We talked about and worked through a lot of personal areas without getting very far into the whole evacuation thing. I was good as far as that went. Until this week. Tuesday November 18th, the day I most likely would have been saying a lot of sad goodbyes had things gone to plan, was the day the grief hit me.

I was sitting there with my counselor and all of the sudden the tears and the words were pouring out of me. The implications of that day hit me like a freight train all over again. I was hearing an angry voice coming out of me as I told her about things I thought I had let go of a long time ago. I was mad. I was hurt. I was confused. I was worried. I was tired... So tired.

Those tears I had put away have resurfaced. I'm a mess. Every minute carries a new emotion, another fear.

I still have faith. I still believe that God is who He says He is, and He says He is faithful. I just know now that I can believe all of that and be angry about the way things happened at the same time. God will still be good. He will still call me His child even if I have to question him and wrestle with this.

I like to tell people, "Be who you need to be, God can handle your mess."

I'm finally taking my own advice.

November 20th probably won't be pretty this year. I'm alright with that. My emotions will be all over the place. I'll be celebrating my plane ticket and the arrival of Natalie, as well as mourning the way things should have been.

God is still good. He is still faithful, and not just because I have a plane ticket. I do not understand why things happened the way they did and I probably never will, but today I'm going to let my mess show and let my father handle it.